


What The Body is Worth

by donttellmyparentsplz



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alive Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bottom Evan, Bully, Bullying, Connor Deserves Happiness, Depressed Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Lust, M/M, Porn, Porn With Plot, Prostitution, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Top Connor, Tragic Romance, Treebros, Underage Prostitution, Underage Sex, dont quote me on that, i guess even is bi, im working on it, kinda plot, regular updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-04-04 22:19:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14030052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donttellmyparentsplz/pseuds/donttellmyparentsplz
Summary: When Evan agrees to a deal - that Connor Murphy will get to do whatever he wants to Evan under the persuasion of money, - he finds himself in the chaos of prepubescent lust battling morality. In the end, it all leads down to one question. How much does one cost and what is the price one is willing to pay?Smut, treebros, EvanxConnor, ConnorxEvan, Lots of sex. You have been warned...





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forewarning: Explicit sex and prostitution.
> 
> I'd say don't read if you're not older than 18, but then again, I started reading porn at 13, so who am I to judge?
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> (Gosh that sounded weird...)

Evan bit his lip to hold back the whimper that threatened to escape as Connor Murphy ran his tongue and teeth along his jaw and neck. His breath hitched when the brunet switched to sucking at the soft skin on his neck just below his ear.

"C-Connor-" he gasped and tried to push away slightly. "Don't leave a mark. My mom'll find out."

His mind swam with the current events and what had lead up to them. It had all started when Connor had made a vague suggestion at paying him to "hang out" on the first day of school when they'd bumped into each other in the computer lab. Evan had made an excuse about therapy and they had left it at that, but Connor's offer had stuck with him. Connor had offered a large amount for just once and had suggested the possibility of multiple occasions. Collage was expensive and he was already looking at not being able to attend having only been able to rely on his mom's income, which was scarce at best. Evan had confronted Connor about it on Thursday after classes, asking for more detail and Connor had said he was looking for some fun and would pay handsomely.

Evan accepted the deal and Connor had followed him home that evening saying that his house was too crowded and they could get a hotel, but Evan hadn't wanted to go through the anxiety that would cause him and instead insisted they go to his house, his mom wouldn't be back until ten.

Connor pulled back with a heavy breath and stared into Evan's eyes for a moment. Evan found heat rising in his cheeks as he couldn't look away from the intense stare. It was the same stare he'd given him when he first offered the arrangement; drunk with lust and cased in pleasure. Connor swallowed hard enough for his Adam's apple to bob heavily before nodding and reaching to pull Evan's shirt up.

Evan allowed him and pulled it the rest of the way off his shoulders. It caught on his cast as he let it drop, landing gently by his feet. Connor quickly pulled his own shirt off before his hands were roaming Evan's chest and back. He guided Evan to his bed and pushed him down gently into it, soon climbing on top of him in a near straddling position.

"Touch me." Connor whispered huskily into Evan's ear and Evan swallowed as his shaking hands rose to Connor's chest and ran around his sides to feel his shoulder blades. His right hand had much more ease at this task than his left and he found he could barely hold at Connor's waist with it.

Connor's thumb flicked against Evan's nipple and he found himself pulling at the closest thing which happened to be Connor's hair. Connor let out a gasp and Evan stared at him as he leaned down to trail kisses down Evan's torso.

Evan readjusted his hands, pulling them up to rest by his head, as Connor moved lower, lapping at his hips then belly button then at the skin just above his jeans. Evan's breath hitched and Connor looked up to him with a smirk.

"Sensitive?" He joked.

Evan blushed, "I-I don't- um- I haven't exactly had this done to me before."

Connor's smirk widened before he was tugging at the button and zipper of Evan's pants. They were pulled down to his ankles then off entirely, his boxers being treated with a similar arrangement.

Evan felt exposed laying naked in front of Connor. Connor stared at him for a long while and Evan tried his best not to move, despite his slight erection at the treatment he'd received so far. He was being paid after all, Connor had paid to do whatever he wanted. If that meant he wanted to stare, then his nerves and discomfort would have to get over it.

Evan's eyes shifted as he saw Connor begin unbuckling his pants. He removed them quickly and tossed them carelessly to the side. He was more erect than Evan. Evan blushed at being in the presence of the very-much-naked brother of his crush. He shook his head slightly. Now was not the time to be thinking about Zoe.

Connor looked up to Evan for confirmation as his hand trailed the side of his thigh. Evan took in a shaky breath and nodded before looking up to the ceiling. Connor didn't need to be told twice and was immediately lifting Evan's legs to his chest and circling a finger gently around his hole. Evan used his free arm to hold his legs back, shivering as Connor entered. It was weird to say the least and Evan found himself squeezing his eyes shut and gripping his bed sheets the best he could with his casted arm.

Connor pressed in slowly and gently all the way to his knuckle. "Try to relax." He whispered as he began to move around inside of him.

Evan nodded and bit his lip to keep from crying out as Connor pressed a second finger past the ring of muscle. He spent longer working it out this time, scissoring his fingers gently inside of him until the muscle had loosened partially. He entered a third finger and Evan's whimper was cut off with a gasp as Connor's free hand moved to stoke his erection. He was trying to distract him and it was working.

Connor's hand went up and down the shaft, his thumb rubbing up over the head and his fingers swiping gently at his balls as they passed. Evan quickly brought a hand to cover his mouth from a moan as Connor swiped again, rubbing milky pre-cum down the length.

Connor's hand left his member and grabbed his wrist, pulling it away from his mouth. Evan stared at him.

"I wanna hear you." He whispered huskily and pulled his fingers out. Evan blushed and whimpered at the sensation of something that had been full now being empty.

Connor was quick to put on a condom and lather himself with lube before positioning at the pucker of Evan's hole.

"Ready?"

Evan nodded shakily and Connor pressed in slightly. It hurt and Evan whimpered pathetically, reaching up to grab at Connor's shoulders as he tried to convince his body this was okay, he would be okay, it didn't have to try to expel the intrusion because the intrusion was someone who was helping him. It wasn't working. Connor had barely even gotten the head of his shaft in and Evan felt his eyes watering.

"Hey," Connor whispered softly, "it's okay. I won't move till you're ready."

His voice was a little shaky from holding back as one of his hands reached up to wipe at Evan's tears and his lips came in contact with Evan's. Evan tried to keep quiet.

He opened his mouth as Connor's teeth nipped at his bottom lip, his tongue entering and lapping at Evan's. It swirled along the roof of Evan's mouth and the inside of his teeth before pulling out to peck at his jaw, a small line of saliva following as if telling him to come back.

Evan took a shaky breath, "Y-you..."

He didn't have to finish. Connor nodded after a short hesitation and pressed farther into Evan. He stopped about half way, but Evan pat his shoulder to tell him to keep going as their lips connected again. Connor was balls deep in Evan before he stopped and waited.

Evan appreciated wherever this patience Connor displayed came from. He didn't know if would have been able to handle going any faster than they already were. It had to have been nearly twenty minutes since Connor started fingering him. Connor must've had the strength of steel to hold off that long when he was so close to climax.

Connor began to stroke Evan's erection again, causing it to perk and press into each of their stomach. Evan moaned and scraped gently across Connor's shoulders. He needed friction.

"M-move"

Connor's brow furrowed, "It's only been a few seconds, are you sure?"

"Move! God, please."

Connor dutifully responded, pulling out slowly and allowing their grunts to mix in harmony before pushing back in just as slowly. The friction helped, but Evan needed more.

"C-Connor, faster." He begged.

Connor complied and pushed in and out again. Evan threw his head back and Connor took the opportunity to attach to his neck. Despite the sucking and feeling of an obvious bruise forming, Evan couldn't bring it in him to tell him to stop, instead wrapping his legs around Connor's hips and his arms around his shoulders and pulling gently at the hair at the back of Connor's neck.

Connor sped up, each time angling himself slightly differently. Evan was about to ask him why - if he was uncomfortable with the positioning, - when Connor hit something deep inside him that caused him to moan loudly, his eyes squeezing shut as stars danced across his vision and pleasure raced up his spine before pitting in his stomach.

What was that?!

Connor chuckled and began pounding into that general area with every thrust. Evan couldn't stop the way his voice seemed to come out louder and louder. He sounded like a whore.

It clicked. He was dying. That had to be it. There was no way anything could feel this good.

He didn't even get the chance to warn Connor before he was shooting his seed across both of their chests. It was glorious and heavy and smelt of sex and lust. Evan gasped as he felt Connor pull out. He hadn't even realized he'd climaxed, but the full condom spoke otherwise. Exhaustion crippled him as Connor pulled a few tissues from the box by Evan's bed and helped clean him up. Evan was appreciative of this since he could barely keep his eyes open, let alone clean his seed off of himself.

Connor bent down and grabbed his boxers and pants, sliding each over his legs respectively. He pulled his shirt over his head and walked back to Evan, pulling the duvet over his shoulders, kissing him on the forehead, and sliding a wad of bills into his limp hand.

Connor left without another word and Evan found his eyes drifting closed as he listened to the front door shut and the roar of Connor's Corvette starting and speeding down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, thanks for reading? I think? I know I don't ever bookmark or kudos on explicit stories on my other account, so I completely understand if you don't. Knowing you enjoyed it is all I need.
> 
> This is currently a one shot, though I'm debating adding a few more chapters of them continuing with this pre-pubescent lust. Let me know if you actually want that? I don't know if the idea of Evan prostituting himself out makes people uncomfortable or not. I kinda love it, but probably because it's to Connor. ;)


	2. Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steamy showers and awkward mom talks.

When Evan awoke, the first things to come to his attention were the ache in his hips and the wad in his hand. He hissed as he tried to sit up, eventually making it with much effort. The wad in his hand came to his attention and he stared at it for several moments before working up the courage to unfold it and count it.

  
20, 40, 60… 300 dollars?!

  
Evan gulped and quickly opened the drawer of his nightstand and shoved the money in between a stack of books. His hands were shaking. When Connor had said he’d pay him handsomely, he hadn’t been entirely sure what to expect. Maybe 50 dollars, if he was lucky, 100, but 300? He had to give some of it back! Right?! Right?

  
Did he?

  
He felt the pinch in his gut called guilt pull on him as his head tried to reason that Connor wouldn’t have given it to him if he hadn’t meant it and that he’d probably think it was stupid if Evan tried to give it back, he hadn’t really done anything but lay there and he’d gotten something out of it too. Surely this amount was outrageous?

  
Evan glanced over to his backpack that sat carelessly by his door. The idea of trying to stand to get his phone from the side pocket sounded awful, but his curiosity was killing him. He winced as he slid off of his bed and grabbed the device. He grabbed his boxers and shirt that had been laying on the floor before climbing back into bed.

  
_Average cost for paid sex._

  
He pulled his boxers up to his hips and his shirt over his head as he waited for the browser to load. When it did he scrolled through the descriptions, too afraid to click on any of the links in case it was a virus.

  
_$260 to $340_

  
So maybe $300 hadn’t been that big of a deal? Evan nodded and closed the tab. He wouldn’t give back the money. Besides, Connor wouldn’t have paid him that much if he hadn’t wanted to.

  
He’d clear it from his mind. He didn’t need to think about this anymore. But it wasn’t leaving. The lust filled look Connor had given him as he lapped lazily at his stomach was ingrained in his mind. The after effects of feeling Connor fill him entirely, pounding in and hitting whatever it was that had felt so good.

  
Evan could feel the erection rising before he saw it.

  
He swallowed and with more vigor than was probably necessary, he quickly stood and limped his way to the bathroom. He had no idea what time it was or if his mom was home by now or not, but he didn’t really care. He flipped the faucet on and shed his clothing faster than he ever had before wrapping his cast in the roll of cling wrap that had been stored in the bathroom and climbing under the spray.  
He shut his eyes and tried to picture Connor’s instead. What had he done? Flicked his nipple?

  
Evan reached up and his casted hand touched his nipple as the other ran down his side, swiping gently at his hip before moving to his belly button. He dipped a finger into the hole before moving down to his navel, his fingers running through the damp pubic hair. He gripped himself and shivered at the feeling. It didn’t feel exactly as Connor had – Connor’s hands were smoother than his since he didn’t spend his free time roughing them up on trees and they were larger than his --, but it was close enough as he ran his hand up and down the shaft. He let out a gasp and rubbed a thumb over the head as Connor had. His other hand pinched at his nipple and he had to lean against the wall to keep from falling to his knees.

  
The hand that had been giving attention to his nipple trailed down behind him and he bent over slightly so he could rub against the ring of muscle. His member twitched as he gently pushed a finger in and pulled back out in time with the thrusts on his erection. He ran his thumb across the top once more before going down to play with his balls, picturing Connor’s eyes and the way he had moved and touched him with such expertise. Steel blue with brown spotting in one. High cheekbones and firm jawline. The way he’d looked undressed and when he’d kissed Evan and rolled his tongue along the inside of his mouth.

  
Evan moaned loud and long as he climaxed, his seed shooting across the shower and hitting the wall near the floor on the opposite side of the enclosed space.

  
He ran his hand along his length twice more before the shuddering in his body told him anymore would push him too far.  
A knock sounded on the door before, “Evan? Are you okay? I thought I heard you yell?”

Any ecstasy he could’ve ridden out, left just like that.

  
“Y-yeah mom,” he called, hoping his voice wasn’t shaking as badly as he thought, “I’m fine. I just saw a spider.”  
Stupid.

She was quiet for a moment, “A spider?”

  
“Yeah, don’t worry, I killed it with a shampoo bottle.”

  
“O-okay, Honey. I have take-out down stairs, so hurry up.” And with that he barely heard her as she trudged down the stairs.  
He cupped his hands under the water to splash the wall and rid the evidence before quickly washing up and getting out. His hips ached as he toweled himself dry and limped across the hall to his bedroom. He pulled a hoodie on over his clothes in an attempt to hide Connor’s hickey, which stood out brilliantly on his neck just behind his ear, and joined his mom in the kitchen.

  
She smiled when she saw him and set two plates on the table with the bags of their favorite Chinese take-out in the middle.  
He smiled back and sat down with one leg propped underneath him to ease some of the pain as they ate. Heidi carried out simple small talk, asking about his day, how the letters to himself were going, if he had found any new friends. Evan had actually been able to tell the truth for most of them, today had been amazing, he had forgotten to write a letter, but would do one tomorrow, and he kinda had found a friend, even if he wouldn’t tell her who, when, or under what circumstances.

  
Heidi pulled out a fortune cookie from the bag as she finished her plate and cracked it open to read the note. “Money is nothing but a flaw in the perspective of life.” She read and Evan blushed. “Huh, that one’s kinda odd, don’t you think?”

  
Evan nodded and scooped another bite of noodles into his mouth so he wouldn’t have to talk.

  
“What’s yours say?” She asked, pulling his from the bag and tossing it across the table to him.

  
He caught it just before it fell to the floor and opened the wrapper and cracked it open. “Never trust those who pay for your time.” He read.

  
“Ha ha, guess that means we can’t trust your therapist, huh?” she joked, putting a bite of cookie in her mouth. That didn’t really make sense, they paid to talk to the therapist, but… whatever.

  
“Ha ha, yeah.” Evan swallowed hard and tried to fight the nausea climbing in his esophagus. “I’m- uh… I’m gonna go to bed. I have school in the morning.” He said as he stood.

  
Heidi smiled at him as she pulled empty take-out boxes into the bag for disposal. “Okay, hun, sleep well.”

  
“You too.” He went to bed dreaming of steely blue eyes and long, curly hair. If he woke up the next morning with a mess, that wasn’t something he would ever admit out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you guys convinced me. I was kinda inactive the last few days, but never in a million years did I expect to come back to 10 comments, 70 kudos, and nearly 850 hits. That was pretty cool.  
> Anyway, I've decided to take this a little bit. Where, you might ask? I have no idea. But! I think I've got a basis for the next handful or two of chapters. We'll see where this goes. It will most likely stay pretty fluffy, but I'll see about adding some actual plot in there eventually.  
> Once again, thanks for reading!


	3. Gone Again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suspicious family friends and Corvettes make great places for sex.

Evan tried his hardest to hide his limp as his walked through the school hallways and to his locker. The depressed side of his mind said no one cared enough to see, but his anxiety battled that everyone was staring and knew and was judging him for it. The weirdest thing had been waking up to the hickey on his neck and ache in his hips, because he’d been almost entirely sure he’d dreamt everything that had happened. There was no way he’d prostituted himself out to his crush’s brother, right? But he’d had to sneak some of his mom’s concealer and the limp remained, crushing any other likelihood.

He quickly opened his locker once he’d reached it and swapped a couple books. His backpack was heavy from carrying everything, but he didn’t want to have to walk all the back to his locker between classes.

“What’s up with you?”

Evan jumped and turned quickly to see Jared standing behind him.

“W-what do mean?”

“I mean you look different. That means something’s up.” He said, hoisting his backpack farther up his shoulders. He smirked, his tone obviously sarcastic as he said, “What? D’you get laid?”

Evan blushed hard and Jared’s smile faltered slightly, “Wait, seriously?”

“No! No! That’s not what happened.” Evan lied, slamming his locker shut and walking off toward his first class.

Jared was right behind him though and was pulling him close with a hand around his shoulder. “So who’s the poor girl? Or was it a guy, cause that’s totally fine, too. I mean, I knew you’d stop lying to yourself eventua-”

“Stop! It wasn’t like that!” Evan scowled and looked away, right into the line of sight of Connor. Connor nodded to him, but otherwise ignored him and continued down the hallway, causing Evan to blush.

“Why are you blushing?” Jared let go of him to walk easier. Evan wished he’d go back if only because it better hid his limp.

“I-I’m not!” He said, looking up slightly to the ceiling as the warning bell rang. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like there was a physical bell up there. It was just a habit he’d picked up. “Look, I gotta get to class.”

“Fine, fine.” Jared rose his hands in surrender, “But don’t think this is over.”

He broke off and Evan hurried the rest of the way to his classroom, taking his normal seat in the back and praying to whoever was out there that Jared would forget whatever he thought he’d seen earlier.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey”

Evan jumped and turned slightly to see Connor coming up behind him. He’d been planning on sneaking outside to the picnic tables for lunch and had barely made it thirty feet from his class before being stopped.

“Oh, h-hey” Evan said, trying to keep his stomach where it belonged and not halfway up his esophagus.

“Are you busy?” He shifted slightly and Evan gulped as he realized what he was referencing. His body was reacting with even the thought of it.

He looked to his lunch. He only had a 25 minute lunch break, but then…

“I-I can’t. I don’t have long before my next class. But I have a free period after fifth.” He said, looking up at Connor.

Connor smirked slightly, “Right, meet me in the parking lot.”

Evan nodded and quickly continued on his path to the picnic area as Connor walked in the opposite direction. He smiled slightly to himself as he ate his lunch, already excited for what was going to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evan had met Connor at his car once fifth period had ended. He’d made sure no one followed him as he left the building and nearly jogged to Connor’s Corvette.

Connor was sitting on the hood smoking a cigarette when he arrived, panting and sweating ever so slightly. He leaned forward to rest his hands on his knees and catch his breath.

Connor smirked when he looked up again, “Excited?”

Evan blushed hard, but didn’t deny it.

“How long ‘til your next period?”

“About an hour.”

Connor took one last inhale of the smoke before putting it out on the bottom of his shoe and unlocking the car. Evan took that as his cue and climbed into the passenger seat. Connor was in the driver’s seat soon after. Evan tried to not let his hammering heart break out of his ribs.

He was especially glad for the tinted windows when Connor locked the doors and moved practically on top of him. Evan timidly reached up to run his hands through Connor’s hair as Connor ran hands under his shirt, up his chest, and bit at his ear. Once again, one of Connor’s hands made way to Evan’s nipple and Evan bit back a moan.

Connor chuckled and pulled back, moving to the driver’s seat and pulling a lever that made his seat scoot back.

Evan stared at him through glazed eyes for a moment before realizing what he was asking for. Evan hoisted himself up and onto Connor, resting a knee at either side of his hips and going back in for a kiss.

It was getting hot in the car and Evan almost wanted to take his shirt off, but didn’t want to be completely naked in a public area. Connor licked his bottom lip and Evan opened his mouth, all but willing as their tongues collided in a lazy dance.

Connor pulled his tongue back, but didn’t close his mouth and Evan realized he was asking for the returned favor. He stuck his tongue into Connor’s mouth and explored to his best abilities. Connor tasted like coffee and cigarettes. It was an odd combination. He had only one of his wisdom teeth in. He moaned lightly when Evan ran his tongue across the roof of his mouth.

When they pulled back, Connor attached himself to Evan’s jaw, licking and sucking lightly at the skin. It was obvious he was trying to avoid a hickey this time.

Evan reached down, pulling his shoes off and tossing them to the passenger seat. Next were his pants and he fumbled with the button before finally getting it undone and pulling them off along with his boxers. Evan’s shaky hands reached to free Connor’s pants, trying to not get distracted as the brunet traveled down his neck and to his collarbone. Once he’d gotten the button on Connor’s pants undone, he pulled back and crashed their lips together. Connor took over with the pants and slid them down to his calves.

Evan pulled back breathlessly, “Do you…?”

Connor didn’t seem to need anything else and quickly leaned over to get into the glove compartment. He pulled out lube and a condom.

Evan reached back and gently fingered himself, his forehead falling to Connor’s shoulder as he did so. Connor felt up his sides and hips after putting the condom on. The second finger hurt more and Evan bit his lip slightly as his breath hitched.

“Let me.” Connor whispered, pulling gently on the fingers that were lodged halfway up Evan’s ass. Evan nodded and pulled out and they were quickly replaced by two of Connor’s slicked fingers. They slid easily into him and Evan realized Connor must’ve put lube on them. A third finger was entered and Evan whimpered. He doubted he would ever get used to this part. Connor once again reached forward to stroke his growing erection and Evan bit down on Connor’s shirt to hide a girthy moan.

“Ready?” Connor asked.

Evan nodded quickly and Connor removed his fingers and lined himself up with Evan’s entrance. He pulled Evan on and Evan grunted pitifully. It was simultaneously better and worse than the previous time. While yes, he wasn’t an entire virgin to the feeling anymore, he was still sore from the loss of said virginity.

Evan slowly lowered himself down on Connor, eventually making it all the way. He sighed lightly and sat there waiting for his body to stop fighting it. Connor ran his fingers through Evan’s hair with one hand and the other ran up and down his spine. Evan loved it. It was like Connor couldn’t stop touching him and it made him feel important.

He wasn’t entirely ready when he rose up slightly on his knees, but he wanted to move, if only to make it up to Connor. He rose until he was nearly all the way off of Connor before guiding himself back down. It didn’t hurt as much as he came round the third bounce. Connor was panting in his ear in a way that was lovely and sexy.

Connor moaned softly and took hold of Evan’s hips. Evan stopped, afraid he’d done something wrong, but Connor just lifted him slightly in motion to continue. As Evan did, Connor began shifting beneath him like he had last time, but his hands never left Evan’s hips telling him that what he was doing was good.

Then it hit, just as before, Connor’s length brushed up against something and Evan moaned.

Connor let out a breathy chuckle and continued.

“What is that?” Evan asked, gasping when it hit again. The pleasure was amazing.

“Prostate.” Connor whispered huskily and made an effort to hit it often.

Evan moaned and grabbed hard onto the hair and the back of Connor’s neck. Connor hissed and Evan tried to let go.

“Don’t, it’s good.” Connor said and pulled Evan onto him again. Evan went back to gripping the hair. If Connor liked it, he’d do it.

Connor hit his prostate again and Evan turned his face into Connor’s neck, “I-I’m close” he whispered, feeling his breath bouncing back to him against Connor’s skin. Connor reached across the dash and pulled some form of fabric that Evan couldn’t distinguish at the moment. He placed it between them, covering Evan’s erection.

“Go ahead.” Connor said, pulling him back down one last time before Evan climaxed and shot his seed. He collapsed onto Connor’s shoulder and Connor raised him by the hips and brought him back down once more before Evan could feel Connor’s load shooting out inside him. He moaned and fell back into the leather of his seat.

They sat panting for several moments before Connor pulled back and grabbed the fabric, Evan now saw it was -- what looked like -- an old t-shirt. He balled it up and tossed it to the floor. Evan mewled quietly as he lifted himself off of Connor’s now limp member.

He shakily climbed back to the passenger seat and pulled on his boxers and pants. He tied his shoes and looked back to Connor. Connor had already cleaned up himself, pulled his pants back up, and was pulling out his lighter and another cigarette.

“I-uh…” He didn’t really know what to say. What was he trying to say? “Um… thank you.”

Connor’s brow furrowed as he turned to look at Evan. It was like he was a completely different person. He lit the cigarette and took a long inhale. The exhale was even longer and Evan coughed when some of it got caught in his lungs. He waved in front of his face to clear some of the smoke. If Connor noticed, he didn’t react, instead he reached over to grab his backpack and pulled it open. He handed Evan another wad of cash and Evan looked down at it. Was he dismissing him? Did he have to go now?

“Can I- I mean you can say no, that’s totally your right, you know, but… can I stay? I mean, until my next period starts?” Evan didn’t look up. He heard Connor take another inhale and felt the sting in his eyes as he exhaled again.

“I know I asked and all, but...” Connor hesitated and Evan looked up. Connor was staring intently out the front window with a furrowed brow and a frown. “I mean, why are you letting me do this to you?”

Evan was surprised by the question. He didn’t really know himself. “I-I mean, I just thought… maybe we could- I dunno, it’s not like I don’t like it, if that’s what you’re asking. I mean, sure it- The middle, like before I’m used to it, is a little uncomfortable, but everything else is- I mean, it’s… good.”

Connor still wouldn’t look to him. “You should go to class.”

Evan looked down at his lap. “Yeah, I mean- I can totally do that.” But he hadn’t even started moving yet.

“…I’m gonna drive you home from school.”

Evan looked over to him and smiled. Just finished and already ready for round two apparently. “Okay.”

“Go to class.”

Evan grabbed his bag and shoved the wad of cash into the main compartment, “Okay.”

He quickly got out of the car and headed into the school building and toward the library to wait for his last period, his limp slightly more pronounced than it had been that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. There's another chapter. I'm gonna go hide a hole for a little while.


	4. The Pain it Comes With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A change of plans and the worst kind of surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated two things. 1) Posting a spoof chapter for April Fools, or 2) not posting until tomorrow, but I had my first kiss this week and felt I should celebrate a little, you know? So here you go.

Evan yelped when Jared threw his arm over his shoulder. He did that often and Evan had realized sometime last summer that the reason behind it was because Jared was insecure of his height and Evan’s two inches on him.

“So, have you decided to tell me who it was yet?” He snickered, seemingly not caring that Evan was being forced to crouch nearly a foot under his weight.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Evan said, trying to get out of Jared’s grasp, but it wasn’t working.

“Come on, you don’t get that shine off of masturbation alone. You got it good. Now tell me who it was.”

Evan sighed dramatically, “It wasn’t like that. I just, I had a good day, okay?”

Jared smirked and sent him a knowing wink, “Right, a  _ good day _ .”

Evan ducked and pulled himself out from Jared’s grasp, “Look, I have to go, so I'll see you later.”

“Go? Where are you going?”

“Home.”

Jared frowned, “You know I can tell when you're lying, right?”

Evan scoffed slightly, “I'm not lying.”

“Whatever, man.” Jared said and Evan didn't have to turn to look at him to know he was walking away.

Evan waited until the majority of kids had left the school premises before walking out to the parking lot. Connor had moved his car to hide beneath a shady tree near the far end of the lot. Evan could see him sitting in his car scrolling through his phone with sunglasses on and his window half cracked as he approached.

“Hey.” Evan said, immediately regretting it as it sounded stupider out loud than it had in his head.

Connor turned to look at him and pulled his sunglasses off, “Change of plans. My sister has band and my parents are at a company dinner. No one will be home until 6 earliest. I'll take you home later.”

The way he'd said it didn't really sound like Evan had an option, but that was okay with him. He was nervous about going to Connor’s house, but he could deal with it.

Evan nodded and pulled his backpack off of his shoulders to hold. Connor nodded to the passenger side and Evan quickly followed, hopping in as the engine roared to life.

Evan barely paid any attention as they made the trip to Connor’s house. It wasn't until they'd entered the high class neighborhoods that he started to look around. House after house, street after street of white-picket-fence, perfect-lawn, rich-screaming homes. Most were two stories, but every once in a while there'd be one that had done an extension to three. Evan couldn't take his eyes away.

Connor pulled up the drive to one of the uniform homes and cut the ignition. Evan turned to look at him as he got out and made quick work to follow him, grabbing his backpack on the way.

Connor unlocked the front door and held it open for him, locking it once he'd gone through. Evan stared up at the glistening chandelier that hung in the middle of the circular entryway with light blue gray walls and a white staircase along either side leading upstairs.

“This way.” Connor said, heading up the stairs. Evan followed Connor up then down the hall to the right to the third door on the left. Connors door had a speed limit sign that had been painted over hanging on his door.

The bedroom was stark contrast in comparison with what else of the house Evan had seen. Dark gray walls and an unkept bed. There weren't many personal items aside from an electric guitar in the corner and a stack of books on the desk. The black wood furnishings were scratched and chipping in the corners and the closet door appeared to only be propped by one hinge rather than the normal two. But it was large, at least 1.5 times his own, if not twice as large.

“You're room is really nice.” Evan said, standing awkwardly in the center with his bag in his arms as Connor went under his bed to pull out a box. He set the box on his desk then moved to Evan, taking the bag from his hand and tossing it toward the wall by the door. Evan didn't register it hitting as Connor’s lips crashed on his and pulled him close.

Connor shifted slightly, pulling one of his legs through Evans and pressing them flush together. Evan could feel Connors growing erection and was sure he'd have one to match soon enough.

Connor pulled back slightly and looked him in the eye before glancing back down to his lips. “I wanna try something, okay? You can tell me to stop whenever you need. Just say it.”

Evan nodded, but he knew he probably wouldn't. Even if he was uncomfortable, Connor was paying him hundreds of dollars. He couldn't tell him no if he wanted to.

Connor led Evan to the bed and pushed him onto it. He was on top of him in moments, his kisses coming rougher and sloppier, bruising both of their lips as they crashed against the others teeth. Connor pulled back and reached into the box he'd set out on the dresser.

Evan watched as Connor pulled out multiple formal ties, all black, and one still in packaging. Connor looked down to Evan, the look in his eye almost wild as he went back to kissing him. Evan didn't object when Connor slid one of the ties over his eyes, tying it tightly to the side of his temple. Connor kissed his eyes through the blindfold and took his cast-less wrist. Evan couldn't object when he began tying him to the bed, to the dark black wood that had chipped in the corners. Connor kissed his fingers, each individually. Connor pulled the casted arm up last, tying it loosely next to the previous. Evan couldn't suppress the whimper that escaped as Connor slid his hands under his shirt then scraped his nails back down, not hard enough to break skin but enough to leave tingling lines in their wake.

His shirt came up slightly as Connor lapped at his hips and stomach. Fuck, how did that feel so good?

Connor got off of Evan and the blond tilted his head to listen for him. He heard rustling. Had he left?

“C-Connor-?”

Connor was back, climbing onto the bed before he'd even finished the name, tugging on his pants and sliding them down his legs. Evan shivered slightly as they passed over his already leaking erection and he blushed when Connor chuckled lightly.

“Beautiful.”

Evans face was red. Did he hear that correctly?! He couldn't have?

“C-Connor-!” He was cut off by a gasp as he felt more than saw something hot and wet lapping at his member. Had Connor-? Was Connor-? Was he licking him?

Evan moaned as Connor slid his tongue along the vein on the underside of his shaft, his legs squeezing together by reflex. Connor gripped either of his thighs on the inside near his groin and spread his legs. Something prodded at Evans hole. That wasn't a finger.

“W-what is that?!” He asked, flinching away slightly. He couldn't see!

Connor pulled it back. “Do you want me to stop?”

Evans lower lip trembled and he could feel his hands begin to shake. This was his chance. Connor was offering it.

“I-I…” No he couldn't. Not unless he was in physical pain. He clenched his jaw and fist and shook his head determinedly. He couldn't see Connor and didn't know if he had seen so he said it, “No.”

The protrusion was back at his anus soon after. Just as it pressed passed the ring of muscle, Connor brought his mouth fully around the head of Evans weeping member. He moaned and out of reflex, tried to pull his hands down. They held fast to the bed.

The protrusion felt like a tiny marble and once it'd gone through, Evan realized it must have been on a stick, because there was definitely still something hanging out of his ass. It's stung lightly, which was odd in comparison to anything else he'd had in him.

Connor pulled his mouth away and pressed the protrusion in farther until another marble sized bump made way through the ring. Tears pricked in Evans eyes and he tried to force them back. Connor pushed in four or five more before letting go and Evan grunted slightly with the lack of contact on his solid member mixed with whatever it was sticking out of him. He let out a shaky breath as Connor slid his hands across his chest, circling around his hips and brushing against his ribs.

Evan groaned when Connor brushed passed the skin around his erection and along the inside of his thighs, never once touching him and obviously enjoying teasing him. Connor chuckled slightly and began pulling out the marbles or whatever it was that was inside him. Evan winced slightly and Connor gasped, stopping in the removing.

“Evan, you're bleeding.” He whispered breathily.

“W-what?” He whispered back, struggling slightly against the bonds, but they didn't budge.

“Did this happen earlier?”

“What? I don't know?” Evan let his head fall back to the pillow.

“I'm gonna remove the beads, tell me to stop if it's too much.” He said and slowly began pulling. Evan bit his lip as he pulled the rest out, letting out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

Connor was straddling his hips, “Why didn't you tell me you were in pain?”

Evan shook his head slightly. He'd thought it was supposed to hurt. He had no idea what it was and he was new to all of this.

“I-I didn’t-...” He cut himself off. It was silent for several moments. “Connor?”

“Shh, I'm thinking.”

Evan clenched his jaw and tried to listen for any suggestion as to what was going on around him. Connor shifted slightly and Evan though he was going to untie him and tell him to get lost...

Until Connor let out a grunt. Evan turned his head slightly. Just what was he doing? It wasn't until Connor had repositioned himself over Evan that he realized. Connor planned to ride him.

He blushed deeply, “C-Connor? What are you doing?”

“Shh” Connor pressed himself down onto Evan’s still perky erection and the blond couldn't suppress the moan that passed his lips. It was hearty and filled with pleasure.

Connor slid all the way down then leaned forward to kiss Evan while he adjusted. Out of every scenario Evan had expected, he never would have guessed Connor Murphy would play bottom to him.

Connor started moving way faster than Evan ever had, rising up on his knees before dropping down to Evans hips. It was glorious. The pressure was amazing, far better than anything he'd ever felt. Fuuuck…

Connor began panting shortly though, twisting his hips slightly each time, most likely in search for the thing inside him that Evan also had and had become very familiar with over the last two days.

Evan knew Connor had found it when he moaned and clenched on Evan. Evan moaned in turn. It wasn't long before they’d both gotten off, Evan much sooner than Connor who had pulled off and stoked himself a few times.

Evan panted as Connor collapsed beside him. A bang reverberated beside him and he realized Connor must've hit his head from the soft chuckles that were escaping his lips and brushing gently on Evans forearms.

“That was good.” Connor breathed, turning to his side. He reached up and removed Evan’s blindfold. “What did you think?”

Evan stared into Connor’s eyes. “You have pretty eyes.” He said it before he'd even thought about it and tried to force back the blush that crept up his cheeks as Connors brow rose slightly, “I-I mean, I… couldn't…..see?”

Connor chuckled, “That's what the blindfold was for.”

“Yeah.”

Connor shook his head a little and moved to untie Evans wrists. Evan didn't really know what to do with his hands once he'd gotten them back, so he laid them across his stomach.

Connor laid back down beside him and his eyes fluttered closed. “You got two choices. I can take you back home in an hour or two once I've had a nap, or you can walk.” He voice was husky and heavy with drowsiness.

“I can wait… Do you-um… Can I stay? Or do you want me to move to the floor?”

“You can stay.” Connor said, pulling the duvet up to his shoulder and bringing it up most of the way on Evan in the process. “We'll have to take a break until you're healed though.”

“H-healed?”

“The tears? The blood? You have to let it heal.”

“O-oh, okay.”

That made sense.

Connor turned to his stomach and drifted off. Evan stared at him for a while before closing his eyes and following his lead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually didn't like this chapter very much. I mean, I felt it rushed into the accident a little too quickly, but I already have written the next few chapters and didn't want to have to rewrite it all. I'll try to post mid week.
> 
> Oh! and thanks for the comments! They helped motivate me a lot.


	5. Spilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise visits.

Evan was awoken to the faint sound of a door slamming. His eyes shot open and he found himself staring at a room that wasn’t his own. Movement to his side drew his focus and he turned to see Connor shifting slightly.

...Oh yeah.

Evan shook his shoulder gently. “Connor… Connor, I think someone is here.” He whispered.

Connor didn’t budge.

Evan looked back to the door then to his pants and shoes and socks that had been strung across the floor. He carefully slipped out of bed, wincing slightly at the movement as pain shot through his hips. It was an odd sensation of sting and itch.

He grabbed his boxers, tugging them on, then his pants.

Connor hummed and Evan turned to see him staring with sleepy eyes and a small half smirk on his face, “Hey.” He whispered.

“Hey” Evan whispered back, his fingers turning back to fumble with the button. “I heard a door. I think someone’s here.”

Connor reached for his phone on the dresser and turned it on. “It’s only 5:37, no one should be home yet.”

“Oh… yeah… I think I still- I mean I was half asleep, but I’m pretty sure I heard a door.”

Connor groaned slightly and eventually stood. Evan found himself slightly giddy that Connor now had a limp to match his own. Connor quickly got dressed then walked to the door.

“I’ll go scout it out.” He whispered then left, barely opening the door as he squeezed through, closing it behind him.

Evan busied himself with putting on his socks then shoes, tying up the laces. Connor came back in and quietly closed the door behind him.

“It’s my sister. They finished up early.”

“How are we gonna get out?” Evan watched as Connor paced back and forth a bit before going to his window. Evan’s heart dropped slightly and he could feel his hands begin to shake as Connor opened it wide and looked down. He turned back to Evan. Was he going to make him jump? From the second story?

Connor grabbed his keys off of his desk and walked to the door. “Let’s go.”

...Okay, maybe not?

Evan stood up from the bed, “But… your family?”

“Look, they don’t know I’m gay, okay? If they see us together, they’ll think I had a friend over. Hopefully we can avoid that, but there really isn’t any other way out of the house.”

Evan looked back to the open window with weary eyes, “...The window?”

Connor chuckled slightly, “Depends on if you’re willing to break your other arm.” He paused and waited for Evan to shake his head, “It’s for the smell.”

Oh, that made sense.

“Come on.” Connor opened the door.

“R-right.” Evan quickly joined him and together they walked out of the house.

They must’ve been really lucky because they didn’t run into Zoe on the short trip. They each climbed into the car and Connor started it and took down the road to Evan’s house.

It wasn’t too far and when they got there, Evan quickly hopped out.

“Evan.”

Evan turned back quickly. Was he ready to go again?

Connor held out a wad of bills and Evan stared at them a moment. Oh, yeah… that had been part of the deal, hadn’t it? Evan took it slowly and shoved it into his pocket.

“Give me your number.” Connor said, pulling out his phone.

Evan recited it. It was after he’d finished that it dawned on him. “I-I think I left my bag at your place.”

Connor sighed and Evan wanted to disappear. Connor must’ve noticed Evan’s tension because he quickly tried to assure him.

“It’s okay, I’ll stop by this evening after my parents have gone to their room. Look for me around ten.”

Evan nodded and mumbled a quiet “Thank you”

“Talk to you later,” Connor said and put the car in reverse without pulling off the break yet.

Evan nodded and closed the door before heading up to his porch.

Connor waited until Evan got to the front door before pulling away. Evan grabbed the key from under the mat and let himself in, remembering to put the key back in its original position.

When he got in, he went to the kitchen to grab himself a glass, pouring in water from the tap.

“Where the hell were you?”

Evan jumped a mile and dropped the glass, turning to see Jared behind him, looking simultaneously angry and amused. The shatter that followed didn’t help him at all as his heart leapt to his chest for the second time in two seconds.

“J-Jared! What are you doing here?!” He nearly yelled after he’d begun processing what had happened. The scare had hit him hard and now he was on the verge of a panic attack as he bent down to fumble with the broken glass, hands shaking a million miles a second. Stay calm. Stay. Calm. You’re not dying.

Jared walked over to help clean it up, which was oddly out of character for him.

“You said you’d be home after school, so I figured I’d drop by, but you weren’t home, so I took the liberty of letting myself in. B-T-W, you should really choose a new hiding place for your spare. Under the rug and above the door are the first places a robber looks.”

“Okay, first of all, did you just use an acronym in a sentence?” Evan asked, standing to throw away the large pieces he’d picked up.

“I did, and you can’t make me feel ashamed of it.”

“Okay, whatever. Why are you in my house? Normally if you go and no one’s home, you go home, not break and enter.”

“I didn’t break anything.” Jared smirked.

Evan gestured frustratedly to the broken glass with shaking hands.

“Technically, you broke that.”

“But you made me! You can’t sneak up on people like that!”

Jared’s face fell slightly, “Yeah, but if I hadn’t, I never would have seen you getting out of Connor Murphy’s car with a chunk of cash.”

Evan stomach dropped. He was going to puke. Evan turned away to grab the broom from the laundry room, anything to dismiss himself from this conversation for just one more minute.

“What the hell is going on, Evan?” Jared asked as he followed him.

“N-nothing!” It sounded defensive, he knew, but he couldn’t stop it. He could feel tears starting to build up in the corner of his eyes.

“Really?! Because to me, it looks like Connor Murphy is fucking you and paying you to do it.”

Evan fast walked back out to the kitchen. “That’s- um, why would you think that?” He focused on the glass and the tears. Sweep it up, force them back. Methodical. Easy.

“Evan you’ve been limping for the last 24 hours and he just gave you a shit-ton of money. If my conclusions are drawn to prostitution, you can’t blame me. Now, are you going to admit to it or are you going to give me a logical explanation as to why I saw him handing you a bunch of money after getting out of his car  _ hours _ after you said you’d be home.”

“It was- I mean, I loaned him some money and he was paying me back.”

Jared scoffed, “We both know that’s a lie.”

“I mean- it’s just- I can’t,” He was hyperventilating.

Jared’s furrowed brow softened slightly and he reached over to rub at his back.

The tears had fallen. He was crying and hyperventilating and panicking. Could he do nothing right?

Before he’d even realized what was happening, his knees were buckling and Jared was yelling something about glass and he was being pulled from the kitchen. Jared pulled him to the living room and pushed him onto the couch before leaving the room. Of course he’d leave. Everyone always did. Evan was just a fuck up.

He curled up in the corner of the couch and buried his forehead into his knees. A prick on his knee caught his attention and he looked up to see shards of glass sticking out of his jeans. He couldn’t tell if any had broken skin, but it probably had.

“Damn. Five seconds of interaction and it ends in a panic attack.” Jared mumbled as he walked back into the room carrying the first aid kit they kept stored in the bathroom. Jared set it down on the coffee table and opened it up.

“Strip.”

Evan blushed and instead started to shakily roll the cuffs of his pants up. At least he’d stopped crying, though there was still the puffy eyes and tear streaks as evidence.

Jared swatted at his hands. “No, don’t do that. You’ll just push more glass into your knee. Take your pants off.”

Evan didn’t budge, instead staring like deer in the headlights. He knew for a fact that he had hickeys on the inside of his thighs. He’d seen them earlier when getting dressed. Jared would see them and be able to confirm his already very solid suspicions.

“Evan, so help me, I will strip you myself.”

Evan stared a few more moments before gingerly reaching for his buckles with shaking hands. He pulled his pants off and sat in his boxers and polo, blushing as he crossed his arms across himself and ducked his head.

If Jared saw anything, he didn’t comment, instead grabbing a pair of tweezers and beginning the task of plucking glass from Evan’s skin. It stung, but helped ground Evan in the present.

Jared mumbled curses under his breath as he worked, switching tweezers out with a damp cloth every once in a while when the blood pooled a little too much to see. When he’d finished, he made Evan straighten his legs by resting his feet on the coffee table so he could bandage them.

“We’re not done talking about the Murphy thing.” Jared whispered as he peeled the paper backing off of the third Band-Aid.

“...I know.” Evan whispered back, leaning his head back on the sofa and closing his eyes.

“Is he forcing you?”

“No.”

“Okay, so then why on earth are you doing it?”

Evan looked down to his hands, but found that when he did, Jared’s face was only a few inches to the side of them and instead turned to look at the bookshelf. “It’s not like I don’t like it- I mean, I tore a little, I think, but the overall experience has been good. And he pays a lot. And college is expensive. And I keep leaving it to my mom, so I thought I could help a little. I mean, I’ve already earned, like, a thousand dollars-”

“Seriously?” Jared interrupted. He didn’t sound as against it anymore. “How much is he paying you?”

“It varies a little, but has been somewhere around three hundred each time.”

Jared’s face paled slightly, “Three. Hundred. Dollars…”

“I know, right? I thought it was a lot at first too, but when I looked it up, the average is somewhere between two sixty and three forty, so…”

“Wait, average for what?”

Evan blushed slightly and looked down to his lap, “...The rate for prostitutes.”

“Well, good. At least you're aware of what you’re doing.” He was quiet for a moment before looking up at Evan with a grimace, “Does your mom know?”

Evan shook his head. “Of course not. If I had any say, you wouldn’t even know.”

Jared chuckled, “Too bad for you. I’m perceptive. My mom says I could go into FBI work after college.”

Evan chuckled along with him, “Yeah right. You wouldn’t be able to keep up with the fitness levels required.”

“Ye of little faith, do you have no trust in my abilities.”

“Yup.”

Jared signed as he finished covering the last prick and leaned back on his arms. “I’m starving, we should order a pizza.”

Evan’s stomach twisted. “I’ll order if you get it from the door.”

Jared laughed, “Able to have sex with the school shooter but unable to exchange pizza and money in his own home. What kind of person down that make you?”

“Hey! Sex doesn’t require talking or change counting or anything like that.”

Jared shivered, “Never mind, change of subject. That’s still too weird for me.”

Evan nodded and leaned his elbows on his thighs, avoiding his knees. “...You’re not gonna-like… tell anybody, right?”

Jared was quiet for a moment. Finally he leaned back forward and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. “No, your secret’s safe.”

“Can you not-um, you know, confront Connor about it either?”

Jared sighed heavily, “Whatever.”

Evan nodded, “Thank you.”

“Now order that pizza,” Jared batted at Evan’s shin, “I’m starving.”

Evan chuckled and stood to get his laptop from his room. “Right.”

It was times like these that Evan forgot how often Jared insisted of their family friendship bonds. It was times like these that Evan believed they were truly friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda really like writing Jared. He allows me to embrace my sarcastic, slightly sadistic side. *rubs hands together maniacally and giggles.*
> 
> There's another chapter for you. I actually got it out when I said I would! Which is really good for me. For the next chappie, I'm gonna try for the weekend, but finals are coming up and I'm drowning just a little, so... we'll see. 
> 
> As always, thanks for your comments, they help more than you know.


	6. Taco Tuesdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Research projects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late, I know. Shush.

“Evan?” Connor called when a few moments had gone by of the line being connected, but Evan being unable to speak first. He hated phone calls.

“Y-yes?” Evan said into the speaker, his voice barely above a whisper in case his mom was still up. She probably was. Connor had brought him his bag not even thirty minutes ago and he’d found his phone flooded with texts from Jared asking about where he was and saying he planned on raiding the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” Connor asked.

“I’m just, you know, lying in my bed.” Evan said. 

It was nearly eleven o’clock at night. Why was Connor calling him now?

“Are you alone?”

Evan glanced to his door. He was pretty sure he could faintly hear the sound of the shower running. “Y-yeah.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Did you-?” He cut himself off. He thought it would sound rude to ask outright why he was calling.

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing!”

“Evan.”

“Y-yeah?”

“If I was…” He trailed off slightly, mumbling to himself for a moment. “I want to kiss you.”

Evan blushed. How was he supposed to respond to that?!

Connor continued, his hesitancy disappearing the more he spoke. “I want to touch you and slide my hands down your stomach and cup your ass.”

Was he? Evan blushed. If that was what Connor wanted, he could play along with that. “I-I wanna run my hands through your hair and pull on the back of it till you hiss.” He was blushing like mad as his free hand reached down to touch himself through his boxers.

“Fuck.” Connor breathed. He was panting and Evan realized he must be doing something similar to what he was. “I-I want to put my fingers inside of you and move them around even as you squeeze around me.”

Evan gulped and slid his boxers down slightly to get full on contact with his growing erection. “I want to scrape at your shoulder blades and suck at your neck till you get a matching hickey.”

“I want to put my dick in you and slam into you until you’re a writhing, moaning mess.”

Evan felt his member twitch and he emphasized that, picturing how it would feel to have Connor in him again. He rested his phone on the pillow by his ear and reached under the covers and to his hole, running circles around it until finally pushing in. His breath was rivaling Connor’s now.

“I want you inside of me, moving fast and faster, each time bringing you and me both closer to orgasm.” Evan moaned slightly.

“I want to lick at your nipples.”

“I want to wrap my legs around your hips.”

Evan was close.

“I want to kiss your collar bones.”

He was so close.

“I want to stare into your eyes as you fuck me.”

He heard Connor moan on the other side of the line and swiped at himself twice more before he was following. He panted into the phone, not wanting to come down from the cloud nine he’d been thrown to.

“Fuck.” Connor cursed again, his breath evening out. “…I wish I hadn’t hurt you.”

Evan’s brows furrowed, “Y-you didn’t.”

“Unless you’ve got another fuck buddy I don’t know about, then yeah, I’m pretty sure it was from me.” He sounded self-deprecating and disappointed.

“Really, you’ve been great about making sure I’m ready before moving. I hadn’t realized going before I was comfortable could cause something like that. I promise, it was my fault. I’m so sorry.”

Connor chuckled, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.” He sounded depressed.

Evan hesitated. Would he get mad if he asked? “…Are you okay?”

Connor didn’t respond and at first Evan thought he’d hung up, but when he went to check, the line was still running.

“Connor?”

“I’m fine.” His voice was masked with an obvious semi-cheery tone. “Just a little stressed.”

Evan didn’t believe it, but didn’t feel they were close enough for him to press for answers.

“...Okay.”

“Thanks.” Connor whispered, “Talk to you tomorrow.”

He hung up before Evan could respond.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evan spent much of the next morning on his laptop. He hadn’t known about the possibility of tearing during anal sex and was sure there was much more he didn’t know.

He was right

Enemas, diets, all sorts of things that was supposed to be beneficially to a gay relationship -- scratch that, sex. Sex was a fine term for it. 

Sex.

That was all.

Who cares if it was with another boy or if said boy happened to be the elder brother of his crush of three years?

Certainly not him.

Evan blushed as he read tutorials on what the purpose of an enema was and the benefits. Had Connor been the type to dislike dirty? He hadn’t mentioned it, so maybe he didn’t care? Evan hadn’t even known it was dirty. Did he care? Was he supposed to? It was a butt, after all. 

By the time he’d finished his research on the topic, he’d also made a purchase through Amazon for an enima bulb. It was supposed to arrive Tuesday. His mom wouldn't get home until eight, which gave plenty of time for him to get home before the mail was delivered and open the package himself. His stomach churned at the thought of his mom getting the package before him.

No. He would do it. It would be okay. 

A knock at his door caused his heart to jump and he slammed the screen of the laptop down before turning to great his mom.

“H-hey. What are you doing here? I thought you had work and class?” He thought that sounded rude, but she'd scared him. He hadn't even heard her come in the house.

She looked surprised by his reaction, but quickly shook her head and walked forward, “I do. I just finished my shift and had a few minutes before I needed to go to class, so I thought I'd come check in on you.” She walked into his room, her eyes glancing to his laptop. He just hoped she hadn't seen anything.

“You didn’t have to. I'm fine, really.”

Her eyes shot up to him, “Oh, I know. I just thought…” She trailed off. 

Evan turned to pick at his nails. He'd need to clip them. One of the sites had said that short, clean nails were a must for bottoming. Now that he'd thought about it, Connors nails, though still covered in chipped black polish, had been basically nubs, filed down as far as they'd go. Did he know about this or was it just coincidence?

“I-um…” She stepped nearly to the bed, pulling a stack of papers from her bag. “One of my coworkers had the radio on this morning and there was a broadcast about scholarships. NPR did a whole thing about them, there are hundreds you can do.” 

She handed him half of the stack and he took them. 

“I spent my break printing them out. ‘The John F Kennedy Profile in Courage scholarship - three thousand dollars, ‘Henry Davis Thoreau Society - five thousand dollars-”

“Wow, yeah. This is great.” He set the stack back by his feet. At the rate he was going, would he even need scholarships? He'd already made nearly a thousand dollars in half a week. Sure collage was expensive, and he’d gotten hurt already, but Connor was a horny teenage boy. Once Evan learned how to properly care for himself, they'd be right back at it again, right?

“Collage is gonna be great for you, honey.”

“...Yeah, I know.”

“Wish I could go with you…”

Evan stayed silent. He wasn't about to encourage her, but any verbal complaint would crush her. 

“...Anyway, I just thought it was good idea.” 

“Definitely.”

Heidi ran her fingers through the back of Evan's hair. He turned to smile slightly at her. 

“You know what. Why don't I bag my shift on Tuesday and we can have dinner together? I mean, when's the last time we had a Taco Tuesday?”

Evan blanched. “I-uh…” Any day but Tuesday. “I can't.”

“Yeah? What's up?”

“I-uh… I'm meeting a friend for a project.” He lied.

“A friend?” 

“Yeah… Uh, Jared. It's due Wednesday and he's busy Monday, so…”

“Oh,” she pursed her lips in thought, “well, I guess we could have a taco Wednesday. Doesn't run off the tongue as well, but it's the same for all intents and purposes, right?”

Evan smiled at her and nodded. How she bought that lie, he'd never know. He was an awful liar.

“Alright then.” she looked to her watch and stood, “I better get going now. Don't wanna be late. I'll see you this in evening, okay?”

“M'kay, mom. Have fun.”

She left, closing the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you who are convinced this is the beginning of an elaborate plot, can you please share it with me?  
> Short chapters will be short. I'ma try to post Wednesday or Thursday, but it might be Friday. We'll see.   
> Thanks for the comments and kudos and stuff.


	7. The Lies Continue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locker rooms and gritty lunches.

Evan didn't hear from Connor again until Monday morning. He'd woken up to a text that asked him to get to school early and meet Connor in the locker room near the gym.

Of course, he didn't waste anytime at all getting dressed and leaving the house. He said bye to his mom, giving off the explanation of meeting with a teacher before class started and left nearly 45 minutes earlier than usual. 

When he got to the school, he dropped his books off at his locker before heading the the gym’s locker room. It was the biggest in the school, with showers and lockers and toilets. A couple boys were loitering in the showers, trying to finish in the twenty or so minutes left before the bell rang and Evan avoided eye contact as he walked farther into the bathroom. 

He was about to call out quietly for Connor when hands grabbed him from behind, pulling him into a stall, and turning him around. Lips were immediately on his and he closed his eyes, relaxing when he saw it was Connor and not some other pervert. 

He dropped his bag on the floor, pulling back for a moment to catch his breath.

“You scared me.” He whispered, panting heavily and hoping that the shower spray coming from the other kids in the locker room would be enough to cover any noise they made. His heart was beating wildly in his chest almost to the point where Evan wondered if Connor could hear it.

Connor chuckled huskily, “Sorry.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Since, like three.”

Evan pulled back a little more, “What? Three AM? How come?”

“Don't worry ‘bout it.” Connor dismissed and tried to lean back in. Evan hesitated only a moment before letting him though the crudely changed subject was still fresh in his mind. Why on earth would he have gotten here so early?

Connor pulled back and pecked down his jaw line and to his neck, one of his knees making way between Evan's. Evan could feel the growing bulge in Connors groin and felt bad. He'd been too rambunctious and had gotten hurt. From what he'd seen of Connor so far, he wouldn't try to have sex with him yet, especially since the websites he'd looked at had said the healing time was a minimum of two weeks. But then again, sex wasn't the only form of relief. 

Evan timidly reached down until his cast-less hand was resting over the jeans hiding Connors erection. Connor groaned quietly and bucked into his hand a couple times as he moved to lick at Evans ear lobe.

Evan took Connors reaction as a good thing, gently palming him through his jeans. He tilted his head to the side as Connors fingers slid into his hair and pulled, reattaching their lips. 

Evan worked at unbuttoning Connors pants and pulled them down his hips to rest at mid thigh as Connor ran his tongue along his bottom lip. Evan opened his mouth to allow him access and slid his hand inside Connors boxers, gripping him and running his hands up and down the length. Connor moaned into his mouth quietly and Evan smiled into the kiss.

Connor gripped his shoulders as he neared climax and pulled back to rest his head on Evan's shoulder. He was shaking. Did he always shake as he neared orgasm? Had Evan just not noticed? It made sense, he thought. So far, every time Connor had been near orgasm, Evan had been as well. 

Evan sped up his attempts, running his hand quicker across Connor's length and swiping his thumb across the top and along the base as he went. Connor's breath hitched and he covered his mouth with the hand nearest his head as he climaxed, sending hot seed throughout his boxers and coating Evans hand. Evan waited until Connors member had gone limp and he whined slightly at the touch before pulling his hand out and grabbing a wad of toilet paper to wipe off his semen. 

Connor didn't move from his shoulder, leaning much of his weight onto Evan as his knees shook. Evan was content to stay like that, but the five minute bell rang and just like that, Connor was pulling up his pants with trembling hands and pulling out some cash from his pocket.

He slid it into Evans hand and left the stall. Evan shifted slightly around his own erection and grabbed his backpack from the ground, tossing it onto his shoulders. 

He washed his hands quickly and put the money in his bag before going to class.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So if Murphy is getting in on the action, does that mean I get to, too?”

“What? Jared, no.” Evan tried to hide the blush that was creeping up his cheeks, but it wasn’t working very well. “And could you please keep it down?”

Evan glanced quickly over his shoulder to make sure no one else in the cafeteria was listening in on their conversation.

“Oh, don’t get your panties in a twist. No one is paying attention to us.” Jared said as he pushed his baby carrots onto Evan’s tray and stole a french fry. “Besides, action could mean anything, so even if someone did hear, it’s encrypted.”

“Oh, yes, because when you think of action, you think of everything but s-eh...you know.” Evan grabbed one of the carrots, nibbling on it. He wasn’t all that hungry, but he knew his mom would be disappointed if he didn’t eat his meals.

“Well, no, that is the first thing I think of, but I have a dirty mind.”

“At least you’re aware of it.” Evan mumbled under his breath, but Jared smirked, telling him he’d heard.

“And proud of it.”

Evan smiled along with Jared. 

“How much have you made this weekend?” Jared asked as he opened a ketchup packet to squeeze onto his hot dog.

“Not much. I kinda-like, not in a super bad way, but… I tore?”

“Tore? What does that even mean?”

Evan's brow rose slightly. "I thought I told you all this already?"

Jared shrugged and Evan sighed lightly. “You know, like,” he nodded down a little bit, “down there?” Jared gave him an amused look and he blushed, “Well, anyway, I can’t really do much until it heals, so it was more like nothing happened until this morning.”

“This morning?” Jared’s smirk grew. “What happened this morning?”

Crap. Maybe telling Jared all the details behind his secret affair wasn’t the best idea. “I mean-uh... never mind.” Evan looked down to his lap.

“No, no do tell me all the gritty details behind how you were able to make more money prostituting yourself off without once having to stick the dude’s penis up your ass.”

Evan’s face and ears heated and he coughed, hoping no one had heard that. “It wasn’t- I mean, I don’t- It’s just-” He cut himself off, turning his head to look for an out to the situation. Unfortunately, his gaze fell right in line with Connor’s. Connor was staring back and didn’t turn away when their eyes caught. Had he been watching him?!

Evan quickly turned back to look at his lap. 

Jared chuckled when he looked back up, having seen Connor staring at him. “If you two are gonna keep this up, you’re gonna have to learn to either control your blushing or just not blush at all. Then again, maybe that’s like, his kink or something.” He spread his hands apart in front of him in a way that said  _ I can see it now! _ “Creepy, jaded, school-shooter type is into the a-dork-able, not-as-innocent-as-he-looks, tree hugger.”

Evan’s brows furrowed and he tried to keep the pout off his face, “Why did you say I’m not innocent?”

“Come on dude, you basically just admitted to giving some guy a hand job in the bathroom for money. Unless it was a blow job, cause that just makes this-like, thirty times better.”

Evan blushed again and moved to clean up his tray. If he hadn’t been hungry before, he definitely wasn’t now.

“Oh don’t be like that,” Jared scoffed, “I’m just teasing you.”

Evan stood and fumbled to get his backpack over his shoulders, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I have to get to class.” He grabbed his tray and headed to the trash can.

“Evan!” 

Evan didn’t turn back around and Jared didn’t follow him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Evan!”

Evan ducked his head slightly, leaning into his locker in an attempt to disappear. He was getting a hundred times more attention today than he wanted. After lunch, his teacher in fourth period decided to pick on him and make him read aloud in class, the teacher in fifth period had sprung a pop quiz, and in seventh, Mr. Morgan had decided to pair them off to pear review each other's drafts for an upcoming essay, but the kid he’d been paired off with hadn’t done his draft, so Evan had to sit awkwardly while his paper was read and marked up all over with a pencil. You’d think if someone cared that much about someone else’s grammar, they’d care enough to bring their own paper, but whatever.

Evan turned to see none other than Zoe Murphy approaching him. He glanced around him to make sure she wasn’t calling for a different Evan.

“What are you doing?”

Evan jolted back to the present where Zoe stood barely two feet away from him in the crowded hallway. Not another Evan. Him. Zoe Murphy was talking to him.

“I-um, uh, nothing.” He said.

_ Smooth. _

Zoe nodded hesitantly, her brow furrowing slightly, “I- um, I just wanted to ask you a few things. About Connor?”

Evan choked on his own saliva. He coughed trying to clear his lungs as Zoe patted awkwardly at his back and asked if he was okay.

He forced down another cough and nodded, “Yeah. ‘M fine.”

“Anyway…” She drew out the first syllable and adjusted the strap of her backpack. “I- uh, I know you probably didn’t see me, but I saw you were over at our house with Connor on Friday. I was just curious, I guess?”

Evan felt another cough rising, but swallowed it down. “Are you sure? I mean, I wasn’t- I haven’t been to your house?” He lied. He hated lying to her, but there was no way he could tell her the truth. What would he even say? _Yeah, that was me. Your older brother was paying me to fuck me._ Yeah right. Like that would go down well.

“But I saw-” She cut herself off, her brow furrowing farther as she reached back in her memory. “Connor drove you home, right? I saw you guys leave through my bedroom window. I’m almost positive it was you. I mean, cast and everything, right?” She said as she gestured to his cast. He tried not to think about what the ‘everything’ had meant.

“N-no, I-uh, I don’t really know Connor all that well.” Evan said. It wasn’t really a lie. All he knew was that he smoked and wore a lot of black and apparently liked to pay for sex.

“Are you sure?”

Evan nodded quickly, “Sorry.”

She paused, looking down to her feet and Evan followed her gaze. “Oh-um, alright, yeah. Sorry for bugging you.” She turned to leave.

“...No, you-uh, sorry, bye.” She was gone before it’d even left his mouth.

Evan turned back to his locker and shuffled the necessary books into his bag. His phone buzzed and he looked to it. 

 

**Connor:** You free?

 

Evan closed his locker, lugging his bag onto his shoulders as he typed a reply.

 

**Evan:** Sorry. I have therapy until 6:30.

 

**Connor:** Oh.

 

The third text came as he made his way out of the school.

 

**Connor:** What did Zoe want?

 

**Evan:** You saw that?

 

**Connor:** Yeah.

 

**Evan:** She saw us leave Friday. I told her it wasn’t me.

 

Evan climbed into the passenger seat of his mom’s Corolla. It took several minutes for Connor to reply this time.

 

**Connor:** OK. Good.

 

He put his phone in his bag. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like writing this chapter. :) I'm hoping to bring Zoe into this story more, but it's definitely gonna be a long process. I have the next handful of chapters plotted out and an ending I think would be reasonable, but the final results always deviate from their planning stages, so we'll see.  
> On another note, I am in the range I'd given for an update which means I'm not late. Please applaud while I bow dramatically. *Bows*. I'm not even gonna try to give a date for the next update. My hope is sometime within the next week, but I have a presentation/essay, two exams, and four finals within the next two weeks, so we'll see. It may end up being somewhere between end of April to beginning of May.  
> As always, thanks for all the support you all have given for this story. I appreciate each and every one of you so much.


	8. Are You Still Watching?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets a package and a bit of disappointment sprinkled with some lovely stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took a while... I’m sorry.

When Evan got home Tuesday afternoon, the first thing he did was check the mailbox and behind the large, empty flower pot that sat by their front door. No package. Sighing, he took the key from under the mat and unlocked the door, remembering to put it back for next time.

If he thought about it honestly, the mail man didn’t usually come until closer to 5:00 and it was barely past 3:00 now, so it wasn’t really odd that it hadn’t come yet.

Evan tossed his bag to the couch and headed for the kitchen. The fridge was deceiving. It was full of things, but there wasn’t anything to eat. The majority of the bulk was made up by condiments and a gallon of milk.

He poured himself a glass then went back to the living room to start his homework. There wasn’t much as he’d been able to do part of it during his free period earlier that day. Part of that had been because Evan hadn’t seen Connor once all day. He realised about 20 minutes into 5th period that Connor must’ve skipped.

He’d already finished his reading for English and the handout for calculus when the doorbell rang. He froze and listened. When he heard the sound of the truck starting up again and move on to it’s next destination, Evan stood.

He crept slowly to the door and peaked out the peephole. His porch was clear of living beings, at least. When he opened the door, the small package that the post man had leant against their front door fell inward pitifully.

It was yellow packaging and from the outside almost looked like he’d ordered a baseball. Evan quickly grabbed it and closed the door once more, bolted it, then ran up to his room.

He threw the package to his bed as he closed his door. It felt like someone was watching so he closed his blinds. When the ominous feeling still hadn’t left, he grabbed the package and hid in his closet, pulling a string to turn on the over head light.

With shaking hands, he pulled open the package, letting bubble wrap-infused paper fall to the floor. The soft plastic, bulb shaped enema device almost resembled the oil can from the wizard of oz in Evan’s mind. It was black and ball shaped -- about the size of a tennis ball -- at the bottom then elongated to a pointed tip, not even as wide as a jelly bean standing on its tip. It felt weird too —rubbery, but soft — and it squeezed kinda like a partially blown balloon.

He glanced around his closet. Now he just needed a good place to hide it. His mom did his laundry, so his dresser and closet were out of consideration. After a minute of debate, he shoved it inside one of the dress shoes in the back of his closet. He’d have to find somewhere else soon, because those were his church shoes, but for now it would work.

There was still that piece of him in the back of his mind that whispered how wrong it was that he was hiding the enema he planned on using on himself for better pre-marital, gay sex inside his church shoes, but he ignored it.

He spent the remainder of the evening finishing homework and watching documentaries on Netflix, going to bed before his mom got home. The next morning went fine and school was stressful, but he managed. When he walked up their front porch after therapy, it was nearly five o’clock and he was glad to see his mom had kept her word and was home for a Taco Wednesday.

He opened the door and his brows furrowed slightly when he wasn’t met with the smell of seasoning and the sound of sizzling meat. Maybe they were gonna cook it together? That would be okay with him.

He dropped his bag off on the coffee table in the living room before walking into the kitchen.

Nothing.

No one.

“Mom?” He called, opening to fridge to see it void of meat and veggies.

Rustling came from the back of the hallway before his mom came through, drying her hands on a paper towel. “Oh, Evan. I left a twenty for you, make sure you eat something. I won’t be back until late so lock the door and get to bed at a decent time. You know the drill.” Her hands patted down her sides as she search for her keys before her eyes made contact with them on the counter.

“I-uh…” Should he just stay quiet?

“What is it, honey?” She asked as she grabbed the keys then her purse on the table.

“I thought we were doing Tacos?” He asked, his hand reaching up to play with the loose thread on his cast.

She looked up like a deer caught in the headlights. “Shit. It’s Wednesday-”

“It’s okay.” He interrupted. “I kinda had plans for tonight anyway.”

“Evan, you don’t have to lie for me.” She said, her eyes getting that disappointed look. “How about- maybe we can do them this weekend? How’s Saturday? I could skip class-.”

“No, really it’s fine.”

“Evan-”

“You’re gonna be late, you should go.”

“No, let’s figure this out first.”

“It’s fine, mom.”

Her jaw clicked shut with an audible snap.

Evan looked away as the lie slid from his tongue. “I’ve got a bunch of homework to do anyway.”

Heidi sighed, “Right… okay. Yeah, let’s plan for another time then.”

Evan gave her a half smile, “...Yeah”

“Okay, well. Goodnight. I will… see you in the morning.” She gave him a sad smile before turning to leave.

Evan tried to not feel disappointment when the front door clicked shut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey.”

Evan silently wished Connor would stop calling him. He hated phone calls.

“H-hey”

“Are you alone?” His breathing was a little labored.

Evan nodded, “Yeah.”

It had been nearly an hour since his mom had left. He’d been bored since he’d finished his homework at school.

“Do you mind if I come over?”

“Wha-why?”

“It’s a yes or no question, Hansen.”

“Oh-uh, sorry. That came out wrong. Of course you can come, I just wasn’t sure why you wanted to, since I’m kinda broken for a little?”

“Broken?” He chuckled a little, but it didn’t sound humorous, only pitiful. “It doesn’t have to be like that. I just need to get out of the house and I figure I’m less likely to get murdered at your house than at some random park in the middle of the night. Now would be a good time to admit to any murderous tendencies.”

“Uh- no, not really- I mean, I’m not… yeah.”

Why were words so hard?

“M’kay, I’ll be there soon.”

Evan nodded and heard the beep of his phone indicating the end of call. Connor was at his door less than twenty minutes later and not in a car this time. Apparently he’d walked.

Evan let him in and lead him to the kitchen. “I- uh, do you want something to drink? We have water? Milk?”

“I’m good.” Connor said, sitting down at the table and resting his head in his arms. He looked exhausted.

“Oh, okay.” Evan shifted awkwardly, “So, um… How have you been?”

Stupid.

He didn’t know how to do this! The only times he’d really had to be around Connor was when they were fucking! This was why he hated small talk.

Connor glanced up at him from beneath his hair with a raised brow and a curious smirk.

Evan coughed. “I-I mean-…”

The puff of air that Connor released almost sounded like a laugh. “I’m fan-fucking-tastic.”

“O-oh.”

The room went silent. It was awkward. Evan could hear the drip of the leaky faucet through the quiet and debated turning the handle just right to make it stop, but didn’t. He didn’t really wanna bring attention to himself.

After several minutes had passed of Evan standing awkwardly, playing with the strings on his cast, Connor brought his fist down on the table and stood. Evan jumped and turned to look at him.

“You got cable?” he asked.

“I-um, no. Mom says it’s too expensive when we don’t watch 95% of the channels, but we have-um, Netflix?”

Connor nodded and left the room, supposedly to the living room.

Evan followed.

Connor turned on some mindless show and plopped down on the couch. Evan internally debated if he should sit next to him or take the love seat, but Connor pat the seat beside him and Evan nodded nervously before sitting down and good two feet away.

This was awful. He didn’t know what to do. He wished he’d had more preparation. At least then he would’ve been able to plan out what he’d say- no, scratch that. If he’d been given more time, he probably would have just worried himself sick by the time Connor arrived.

“Hey.” Connor whispered and Evan jumped and looked over to him. He’d been too stuck in his head. “...Are you scared of me?”

Evan shook his head only slightly too quickly and turned to his hands. “I-um, no. You’re not scary. I just- I have really bad anxiety? And-um, I’m awkward? So, yeah…” he didn’t know why the majority of that had come out as a question, it really just proved his point.

Connor chuckled, “Yeah, I think everyone’s a little messed up in here,” Evan turned to him as Connor tapped the side of his head, “I’ve been diagnosed with depression, mainly, but there’s a whole fucking list of stuff they wanna put on me. I’m starting to think it’s just to get money out of me.”

Evan’s brows furrowed, “Oh. I didn’t know that.”

“I never told you.”

“You don’t seem-I mean, every time we’ve been together, I never thought you were depressed.”

“Yeah, I think they’ve finally found the right cocktail of happy pills. Took them three years, but at least I don’t feel like killing myself every other day.”

“O-oh.” Evan didn’t know what to say to that. He knew what that was like, had been through it himself, but he also knew that every person's experience was different.

Connor cleared his throat, seemingly aware of what he said and the severity of it. Most people couldn’t say they thought about killing themselves often as easily as he had. Had it gotten that bad, - to the point of normality,- or did Connor just trust him?

Evan looked over to him, “I’m glad…-I mean! That you’re not dead!- or, not that you’re not dead, but you know, don’t want to kill yourself, that’s-uh,” Evan deflated slightly and finished his sentence. “good.” So much for some heartfelt speech.

Connor shifted on the couch, probably feeling awkward, but Evan didn’t look to him. He was blushing too hard to show his face. He squeezed his eyes shut tight before wiping his face and turning back to find Connor only inches away from his face. For once in his life, he stared into someone’s eyes and found himself incapable of looking away. His heart hammered in his chest as Connor glanced down to his lips.

“Is this okay?” He whispered.

“Y-yeah.” It came out way breathier than he would’ve liked.

Connor closed his eyes and slowly, gently, their lips touched. It was different that any other time they’d kissed. Unlike the first time, there was no determination or urgency behind it. Unlike in the locker room, there was no secrecy or simple lust as they drew breath. Unlike in Connor’s bedroom, there were no apologizes hidden in the way their tongues kissed before hiding away. This was an undeniable feeling of worth. Of want. It was completely indescribable.

Evan loved it.

He pulled back to draw in breath and Connor’s hand grabbed his bicep, his lips moving down Evan’s neck to kiss and lick the skin there.

“I-” Evan cut himself off quickly. He’d been too close to saying something in the heat of the moment that he would have regretted later. Instead, he bit his tongue and gave in to Connor’s ministrations.

They fell asleep, entangled on the couch much later, with drying saliva scattered across their faces and necks and shirts desposed of on the opposite side of the room. The tv played the never ending clip of “Are you still watching?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then. I liked this chapter decently, at least, so that’s a good thing. 
> 
> The next chapter will probably be within the next week, (I’m trying for Sunday) but we’ll see. I’ve got a convention coming the weekend of mother’s day with six costumes and three panels to prepaid for it, so please be patient with me. 
> 
> On the bright side, finals are over and I have As in all of my classes which means I get to keep my 4.0. Yippe! I’m really excited about that, if you you couldn’t tell.
> 
> Thank you for all of your support. I love each and every on of you! *hugs and kisses*


	9. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood swings.

  
  
  


Evan awoke to the smell of bacon and the sound of popping oil. He was laying on the floor covered in one of the quilts they kept in the storage closets for guests. There was a crook in his neck and his back ached and as he turned to stretch, his elbow hit something warm and he jumped, turning to see Connor’s hand sticking out from his quilt on the couch. In fact, the only thing of Connor that was visible was his hand, the rest of him had burrowed under the blanket. 

 

The previous night came back to him as fast as violent whiplash and Evan blushed hot red. His mom must’ve walked in last night to see them asleep in the living room. His largest question was where? Had he fallen off the couch already or had she seen them tangled together across the sofa. The assuring part was seeing the separate blankets. Why grab two if they were sharing a space. Unless she’d helped him to the floor?

Evan hid his face in the blanket and breathed deeply. He didn’t have to worry about this right now. His mom was polite. Evan if she had seen something, she wouldn’t bring it up in front of Connor.

 

Evan pulled out of the blanket once it’d gotten too hot and perspiration had beaded on his forehead. After sitting up and stretching his back properly, Evan stood, gathering his blanket up in his arms to join his mom in the kitchen. 

 

She was at the toaster, sticking two slices in and setting the timer for two and a half minutes. She was dressed in day clothes, which was an odd contrast to her normal loungewear or scrubs, and a small smile adorned her face. It was almost as if she didn’t know she was smiling.

 

Evan watched her, afraid to break the serene arua. Heidi turned back to the stove and scraped eggs across the pan then turned. She jumped when she saw him then smiled.

 

“You scared me.”

 

“Sorry.” Evan said, barely above a whisper. “Are you making eggs?”

 

They never made eggs. They didn’t have the time in the morning for anything other than a bowl of cereal or a piece of toast. 

 

“Uh huh.” She smiled wider. “I thought I could make you two something good for breakfast before you had to leave for school.”

 

Oh. So it was because of Connor. 

 

Evan looked down to where the quilt was folded across his forearms. “Okay.”

 

“Why don’t you go change real quick and then you can wake up your friend and we can eat.”

 

Evan nodded and turned to go to his room. He changed out of his wrinkled clothes from the night before and left the quilt on his bed when he went down to wake Connor up. 

 

Connor didn’t wake up easily. 

 

Evan stood, poking what he hoped was Connor’s shoulder and, when that proved hopeless, tried pulling back the blanket. Connor didn’t resist the movement, thankfully, and Evan pulled it off his torso. He shook his shoulder a little and called for him and eventually, Connor’s eyes opened a smidge. His face was red and puffy from sleep and his cheek had indents where it’d been laid against his clothed arm and the fabric had pressed until marks were drawn like spider webs across his skin. He glared at Evan for a moment before seemingly realising where he was and sitting up. 

 

“Good morning.” Evan said quietly as Connor stretched stiff joints. 

 

Connor mumbled something that sounded akin to good morning and rubbed his face.

 

“My mom made eggs.” 

 

Connor looked at him for a moment as if trying to comprehend the words, then nodded, throwing the blanket off his legs then his legs off the couch. Connor wrapped his arms across himself and the two walked back to the kitchen where Heidi was setting the pan on the table with a pot holder beneath. 

 

“Good morning.” She smiled again and held out her hand, “I don’t believe we’ve met, I’m Heidi.”

 

Connor shook her hand wearily before pulling it back to his chest. “Connor.”

 

They sat down at the table and ate. Bacon, eggs, fried potatoes, toast. Evan felt a pinch in his gut, but ignored it. He ate as much as he dared and sat sipping his orange juice as the tension filled the room. Were they supposed to speak? Was he supposed to say who Connor was? That wasn’t really an option, if he thought about it. Unless he was going to lie, saying how they’d met would practically be suicide. Connor didn’t seem any more comfortable with the situation than him. He hunched in on himself and picked around his food, only really eating enough to be considered polite. Evan felt bad for him. 

 

“So, uh-Connor? Where did you two meet? I haven’t heard about you before.” Heidi said as she stabbed a potato and popped it into her mouth. 

 

Connor looked up and put on a weary smile that was probably supposed to look polite, “We met in the computer lab.”

 

Evan choked on his juice and coughed, scaring Heidi who patted his back until it died down. He was surprised Connor wasn’t outright lying.

 

“I’m fine.” He said once the coughing had stopped.

 

“So, um. The computer lab?” Evan had to hold back a groan.

 

“Yeah, I saw him writing one of his letters and we got to talking.” Connor said, rather convincingly if Evan had a say.

 

Heidi's brows raised, “Oh really? That’s great!” She turned to Evan with a smile, “I knew those pep talks would help you.”

 

Evan folded his arms across his chest and gripped at his biceps. He really wanted to go now. For some reason, being around his mom and Connor at the same time was exhausting and making him irritable. 

 

Ringing broke the silence caused by pause in conversation and Connor quickly grabbed his phone from his pocket and silenced it. His brows furrowed slightly as he turned back to his food and Evan wondered if that had been his parents calling him. As far as Evan knew, Connor hadn’t told his parents where he would be. Were they worried. 

 

“Oh.” Heidi said as she checked her watch. “It’s almost seven-thirty. Do you two want a ride to school?”

 

Evan shook his head and stood, pushing his chair in. “No, we’ll walk.”

 

Connor nodded with him and followed as Evan walked up to his room to grab his bag and shoes. The left the house rather quickly after that. It wasn’t a long walk; maybe fifteen minutes. It was slightly chilly out, but Evan could bet that it would get up into the seventies by the time they made it to the school. 

 

“Are you mad at your mom or something?” Connor asked as they walked along the sidewalk. He had one hand shoved into the pocket of his hoodie and the other scrolled through his phone. 

 

“What? No.” Evan’s brows furrowed, “How come?”

 

Connor glanced at him then back to his phone. “You just seemed tense during breakfast.”

 

Evan shrugged, “When am I not tense?”

 

Connor was silent and Evan looked over to see him smirking at him. 

 

“Shut up.”

 

Connor laughed.

 

It was silent for a few moments before Evan sighed, giving in to Connor’s question. “I think I’m just frustrated because she forgot about doing tacos last night but then somehow was able to bag her shift this morning to make us breakfast.”

 

“Oh.”   
  


“I mean, I love my mom, don’t get me wrong, but she’s got weird priorities, you know?”

 

“Yeah..” Connor had put his phone away and was glancing at Evan every few yards as they walked. 

 

“What’s your mom like?” Evan asked just to be able to change the subject. He didn’t think Connor was that interested in his life anyway.

 

“Crazy.” 

 

Evan looked over at him with a raised brow.

 

Connor saw and sighed, “Okay, not crazy, but kinda. She’s rich and doesn’t work so she gets into a lot of weird things because she’s bored and most of the time it doesn’t really matter, but then she pulls us into it and it sucks. Like, right now, she’s on this fat diet thing. Kada? Keda? I don’t even know. It’s a bunch of meat and fat and no sugar or carbs and I hate it. We can’t eat pizza unless it’s made with this weird crust stuff made out of chicken and vegetables. No cereal, no sandwiches, no pasta. Not even potatoes.”

 

Evan couldn’t stop the smile that made way to his lips. He liked it when Connor talked about something passionately. “But you ate potatoes this morning.”

 

“Yeah. They were great.” Connor scratched his nose then stuffed his hand in his pocket. “I’ve been resorting to sneaking out to McDonalds to get french fries over the last three months.”

 

Evan laughed. 

 

Connor smiled. 

 

They continued talking until about a block away from the school. As they neared, both of them agreed it would be best if they weren’t seen walking up the front steps together so Connor hung back and Evan sped walked until he reached the school, ending with Connor just getting to the edge of the parking lot as Evan stepped through the front doors. 

 

His day had started out grumpy and bad before he’d even left the house, yet somehow, Connor had been able to make his day seem brighter. Maybe it would be a good day to today.

 

Boy, was he wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, and there's another chappie for you. It's short, I know, but the end of this scene came to just over 1500 words and the next scene is long, so I didn't want to make the chapter too long and I haven't written the next scene yet and I know I'm late, so I figured I'd get something out. And now I'm rambling. I'm kinda dying from con crunch. Please hold while I resurrect myself by staring at Mike Faist's face. The next chapter will probably be next week unless I get a burst of motivation to write instead of prepare for the con like I should be doing and should have been doing since the beginning of the year... 
> 
> Sorry for the cliff hanger!
> 
> As always, thanks for the feedback, you guys make my day!


	10. When it Rains, it Pours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...you don't wanna know.

  
Most of the time, Evan had considered himself to be an optimistic person. Sure, it may be raining, but the smell was amazing, right? Or so what if it’s 102 degrees out -- the sun is helping the plants. However, Evan could find absolutely nothing positive in the fact that his head had been shoved in a toilet.

He was shaking. He was crying. He was sopping wet and covered in poo water.

He hadn't even seen it coming. One minute he was putting his books in his locker so he could join Jared in the cafeteria. The next, he was being pulled by the collar into the bathroom by a group of three who would then proceed to humiliate him all without ever saying what he’d done wrong.

Had he forgotten to give someone’s pencil back? No, he wouldn’t have asked to begin with. Was it a look? He’d never look at anyone again. All he wanted was for someone to explain what he'd done wrong; why he'd been treated this way.

Evan sniffled and wiped his nose on the back of his trembling hand before leaning his head back onto his knees. If he could just stop the adrenaline from coursing through his veins long enough to actually do something.

He’d been so afraid they would kill him. He couldn’t breath and had ended up getting some of the water in his lungs, coughing and hacking through his tears until they’d gotten scared of killing him, too, and had run away, leaving him mid panic attack on the disgusting bathroom floor. He didn’t even know those guys!

The door to the bathroom opened and Evan quickly covered his mouth to keep from making any noise. His breathing was shaky and loud, but there were plenty of stalls in this bathroom. If he was lucky, maybe whoever it was would leave without ever knowing he was there.

“Evan?”

It was Jared.

Evan felt more tears rising at the realization that Jared had come looking for him, but was too afraid to reply. He breathed heavily against his fingers as Jared walked to the stall he was in and knocked.

“Come on, dude, I can see your shoes. I know it’s you. Answer me.”

Evan sniffed again and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Are you crying?” It wasn’t accusatory, it was concern.

Evan didn’t reply. He didn’t know that he could get any words past his lips at this point.

“Come on, open the door.”

Evan opened his eyes. Jared shifted slightly behind the door and sighed, but didn’t move to leave. With hands shaking at what felt a million miles a second, Evan reached forward and pulled back the lock.

The door swung open immediately and Evan looked down to his lap as Jared took in the sight of him dripping wet and sitting on a toilet.

Jared kneeled in front of him. “Who did this?”

Evan shook his head and Jared sighed.

“You don’t know or you won’t tell me?”

“I-I don’t-” he cut off with a sob and wrapped his arms across himself tighter.

Jared sighed once more and stood. “Let’s go.”

Evan looked up to him through his tears with a furrowed brow. Jared wouldn’t make him go to lunch would he? He couldn’t. Not right now.

“W-where?”

“Do you honestly think you’re gonna make it through the rest of the day like this? I’m taking you home.” He held out his hand to help him up.

Evan hesitated. Home sounded wonderful, but… “W-what about my classes-?”

“Missing one afternoon isn’t going to kill you.”

He had a point. Evan nodded and stood to follow Jared to the sink where he washed his face and hands. From there, Jared drove Evan home and dropped him off with instructions to take a shower and get some rest, that he’d text him later.

Evan agreed.

After his shower, Evan went back out to the couch in his living room. The quilt Connor had used the night before was still laying across the sofa and Evan picked it up, bringing it to his face.

It smelt faintly like him. Cigarettes and weed and that musky cologne he used to cover it. Evan felt tears coming back as he laid down across the couch with the quilt wrapped around him all the way up to his nose.

He was such a loser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evan felt weird after his nap. He awoke entangled in the quilt with tear tracks down his face and his hair in disarray, but calmer, almost numb. In his entire school career, he’d never really been subjected to actual bullying. Sure there had been teasing on occasion and people would shove past him in the hallway and knock his books down, but he’d never been actually bullied.

Jared had always said it was because he was shy and blended into the background well. Add on top the fact that most people only had to glare at him to make him into a panicked mess, the bullies had mostly thought he was too easy of a target and went for those who fought back.

Like Connor.

Evan had witnessed on several occasions the torment some of their classmates had put Connor through. It had lessened some over the years as he closed in on himself farther and rumors spread of him killing a man, but it was still present from the cockiest bullies. Had he been born with a back bone, he might’ve been brave enough to stand up for the kid getting shoved into his locker, who constantly was told to kill himself, who people ran from like he carried the plague, but he wasn’t. He was anxious and incapable of holding his own in a conversation let alone a fight.

Evan curled up on the couch, tucking his legs up to his chest and shutting out the world. He prayed he’d never have to go to school again despite his brain telling him that was illogical. He didn’t care.

Evan had been sitting in that spot for an undetermined amount of time when the doorbell rang. He jumped and stared in the direction of the front door. No one should be coming over. It must’ve been the mailman dropping something off. That was it. He’d leave it and Evan could go back to wallowing in self pity.

The doorbell rang again and Evan’s heart dropped to his stomach.

It wasn’t the mailman. Whoever it was, knew he was here. His hands shook as he stared silently in the direction of his front door. Maybe if he pretended he wasn't home, they would go away.

Luck wasn’t on his side.

Pounding came through and Evan jumped once more.

“Evan, open up. I know you’re in there.”

It was Connor.

Connor was here.

Evan tried to cease his trembling as he stood, pulling the quilt over his shoulders as he walked to the door. Out of everyone it could’ve been, he was glad it was Connor. When he finally opened it, Connor was leaning against the door frame, his head rested in the crook of his propped arm. He jumped up when Evan opened the door.

“What the hell?!”

Never mind. Evan regretted opening the door now. Connor was mad. Evan’s face paled several shades as he tried to find the undo button for life.

Connor stepped in before Evan could shut him out and ran a hand through his hair. It was tousled like he’d been doing that a lot recently.

“I-I’m sorry.” Evan wasn’t entirely sure what he was apologizing for, but if it’d calm Connor down, he’d apologize a million times over.

Connor walked toward the living room, bringing his fist up to collide with the door frame as he walked past it. Evan flinched hard. He could feel tears forming in the backs of his eyes. He held them back.

Connor pulled his sweatshirt off and threw it at the couch, possibly just to do something. He took a deep breath and released his fury. “In what world would it be okay for you to tell Jared about this?!” he yelled. His voice was like thunder.

Evan flinched, “I-I didn’t-”

“Don’t give me that bullshit. He told me it was my fault you had to leave today. He ranted and drew a scene. Was this on purpose!? Let me guess. You figured you’d get to make fun of me too? See how long you could draw this out before I caught on to fucked up game? How stupid do you think I am?”

Evan could only stand there, trying to fold in on himself in anyway possible. He tried not to flinch as Connor threw one of the books that had been laying on the table across the room. It hit the wall with a loud bang then dropped to the floor. He failed. It jarred his frame with such force he nearly collapsed.

He had told Jared not to confront Connor, but then again, when had Jared ever listened to him?

"It was none of his business to begin with!" Connor yelled and kicked at the couch. It didn't budge, instead Connor fell back and kicked at it again. If it hurt, he made no indication of the pain.

The couch wouldn’t give him this one victory. It made no movement.

Connor turned to Evan, "Why would you think it was alright to tell him? What part of keep this quiet, don't you understand?!"

Evan didn't answer. He didn’t understand. He wanted to shrivel up and disappear. His entire body was shaking, he knew. From his knees to hands, shoulders, even his jaw.

"Look at me!" His voice was wild and Evan quickly rose his eyes to look at Connor. Well, his shoulder, but Evan couldn’t make eye contact right now. His body wasn’t obeying him.

Apparently, Connor had wanted defiance because he let out a yell in frustration and punched at the wall he'd thrown the book at. When he punched again, Evan's eyes widened. He was going to hurt himself!

Before he'd even realized what he was doing, Evan lunged forward, the quilt dropping to his feet as he wrapped his arms around Connor from behind and effectively trapped his arms to his sides. Connor didn't struggle at first.

"What are you doing." His voice was like molten lava. Hot and fiery, but rocky. Evan could tell he was struggling to hold back.

Evan swallowed hard, "You'll hurt yourself." He whispered.

"Who cares." There it was again. That tone of voice that leaked of hopelessness and depression.

"I care." Evan whispered.

Connor swatted his hands away and broke free from his grasp. He shoved Evan hard and he fell back to the floor. Connor’s gaze was livid and Evan cowered under it.

“I’m not about to sit here and listen to you make fun of me to my face.” His voice was too quiet. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket angrily and grabbed a few twenties from the pocket, throwing them down to Evan. “Here’s for Saturday and last night. You can go live your own pathetic existence now. I’m done.”

Evan thought he’d puke at the sight of the bills. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t run after Connor even as he left faster than he’d come. Evan collapsed back on his back and stared at the ceiling after the front door had slammed shut. Tears streamed down his face but he couldn’t find the energy to wipe them away.

He should’ve known. Bad things came in groups of three. Now he could only wait for the last one to catch up to him and shoot him down for good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry... It's probably gonna get worse before it gets better.  
> On the bright side, the chapter was posted in 6 days rather than 7, so that's cool, right? At least for you guys. Maybe not Evan... or Connor... or Jared, but...anyway! I should have the next chapter up sometime this weekend, I think. Give or take a few days.   
> I know, I know. I'm crazy. I just finished spring term and am now taking summer classes. They start today. More specifically in two and a half hours. But hey! Doing this now means less work over the Fall! So it's a win in the end cus future me will appreciate this a lot. I'm only doing 6 credit hours, so I should have a lot more time for writing and hopefully getting a quicker posting schedule.  
> On another note, the convention was a blast and the panels went great. My favorite cosplay was Mabel. :D I'm totally doing either Connor or Evan for the next one though. Probably Evan, I have a friend who'd fit Connor decently.  
> As always, thank you for all of the feedback from the previous chapters. To the commenter who asked if I was referencing the Ketogenic diet, yes, I was. My mom is doing it and it kinda sucks. I would have replied on the physical comment, but I don't want to spam the numbers.  
> Have a great day!


	11. In the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you need comfort, mom's are always better than a back stabber.

“Evan? Why are you laying on the floor?” 

 

Evan didn’t look over to his mom. His head hurt too much and his brain was too foggy to process her words anyway. She knelt down beside him and felt his forehead. He leaned into the touch as much as possible and when she pulled away, Evan sobbed quietly.

 

“Oh, baby, it’s okay. I’m here.” Heidi pulled him to a sitting position and wrapped her arms around him, encasing him in a hug that was too warm to even attempt to leave. He cried on her shoulder and she shushed him with comforting words and a hand caressing his back. When he calmed down once more, she pulled back and Evan reluctantly obeyed. 

 

“Now,” She brushed his hair out of his face before grabbing a tissue from the coffee table. She Now adorned a very obvious wet mark on the shoulder of her scrubs. “What happened?”

 

She handed him the tissue and Evan took it to wipe at his eyes and nose. He was a gross cryer. Mucus always went everywhere. 

 

“Evan, look at me.”

 

He did. 

 

“What happened?”

 

Evan swallowed and looked back down to his lap. He couldn’t tell her -- he knew he couldn’t tell her -- but he so desperately wanted to. His chest hurt and this time it wasn’t from a panic attack. It was this overwhelming pressure that knocked his breath around and made his eyes water. It was absolute devastation and he couldn’t tell the one person in his life who gave a fuck about his existence. 

 

He choked on a sob and looked back to her when her hand cupped his cheek. “I-I just had a bad day.” It wasn’t a lie. He’d had a bad day. It was just concealing the reasons behind it.

 

“Evan, Honey,” Heidi's thumb caressed his cheek lightly, swiping beneath his eyes to wipe away his tears, “you can talk to me. That’s what I’m here for, right?”

 

“I’m sorry-” He broke off with another sob. 

 

“Don’t be.” Her voice was so soft and nurturing. Evan felt the bittersweet sting of the meaning behind it. She pulled him back into a hug and he sighed slightly at her warmth.

 

“C-can I skip school tomorrow?” Evan whispered once he’d stopped crying again.

 

“Of course. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I’ll call the school in the morning and tell them your sick.” She smiled softly at him and ran her fingers through his hair at the back of his head. “I have an idea. Why don’t you climb onto the couch and I’ll go get us some ice cream and we can watch a movie before bed.”

 

That sounded really nice. Evan nodded and Heidi patted his knee twice before standing to get their dessert. Evan sniffled as he stood and collected his quilt, tossing it to the couch. As it flew through the air, the bills Connor had thrown at him rained down to the floor. Evan thought he’d puke as he bent down to pick them up then stuffed nearly a hundred dollars in twenties between the pages of a book that he then replaced on the bookshelf. 

 

Seeing Connor’s hoodie on the couch almost started the water works again, but instead Evan forced the tears back and pushed the sweatshirt off to lay at the foot of the couch before climbing up and sitting down with his knees drawn up to his chest. Heidi returned soon after and handed him a mug filled to the brim with moose tracks ice cream. They watched a movie and Evan fell asleep on his mom’s shoulder nearly three quarters through. He slept on the couch that night, dreaming of high waters and dented walls.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Friday morning, Evan slept in until eleven and was still tired enough that he wanted to sleep more, but his stomach rumbled, forcing him off of his makeshift bed and into the kitchen. The bright pink post it note stuck to the fridge caught his eye first. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

 

_ Today’s going to be a good day, and here’s why; you are smart, you are capable, and you have a mom that loves you more than anything in the world. :) _

 

Evan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel at seeing this note. The funk that had settled in his mind was too thick to feel around. He opened the fridge and stared at its contents. Cereal was the ideal option, but he really didn’t want any. Nothing sounded appetising. 

 

Evan closed the fridge and his stomach growled almost as if in disapproval. He clenched his fist in the front in his shirt, hoping that the hunger cramps would stay away for just this once. They didn’t, and just like that, his appetite was gone completely. He went back to the couch and watched Netflix until he fell asleep once more surrounded in the quilt that smelled like Connor.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When he awoke again, the sun was starting to set casting a orange-gold tint over their living room. It was then he noticed the pounding on the front door. That had probably been what had woken him. 

 

Evan didn’t move. He was too afraid it was Connor. He covered his head with his blanket and tried to go back to sleep. 

 

He was nearly drifting off when his quilt was ripped off his body. Evan flinched hard and quickly looked up through his hazy eyes to see Jared standing above him. 

 

“What did I say about moving your spare?” He scolded, tossing the blanket to the other side of the room. 

 

Evan stared blankly at him for several moments before curling in on himself on the couch and closing his eyes. 

 

“Uh-uh. You’re not making me come all the way here to watch you sleep.”

 

“Just- go away…” Evan muttered. His voice croaked from disuse and it sounded pitiful even to his own ears. Had he spoken yet today? Probably not.

 

“No.” Jared grabbed his wrists and pulled him into a sitting position. When he let go, Evan dropped back to the cushions and the process repeated until Evan eventually gave in and sat upright. 

 

“Why’d you skip?” Jared asked, sitting down next to him. 

 

Evan pulled his knees to his chest. Because he was afraid of running into those bullies again. Because he was mentally and physically exhausted. Because he couldn’t face Connor after everything that had happened. The list could go on forever

 

Something clicked in the back of Evan’s mind. Jared had been the one to get Connor mad at him. He felt the anger bubble up in his chest and he clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. He wasn’t an angry person.

 

“Why’d you go to Connor?” Though his voice was scratchy from sleep, his words came out with more venom than he’d known he could produce.

 

“Oh come on. You and I both know that was his fault.”

 

Evan turned to Jared. “Was it, Jared? Was it really? Cause as far as I could tell, you doing that just escalated all of my problems.”

 

“No it didn’t-“

 

“Yes. It did.” Evan turned back to glaring at his knees. “He thought I told you about… this. He was angry and left. He said he was done.” Tears watered in Evan’s eyes but he didn’t bother to hold them back again. It didn’t matter any more. 

 

“It’s Connor you’re talking about. He gets mad if you breathe. He’s just being an overdramatic dick.”

 

Evan said nothing. 

 

“Evan-“

 

“Just go.”

 

“I’m not-“

 

“I said leave!” He shouted.

 

Jared looked taken aback by his outburst. His wide eyes quickly narrowed and his brows furrowed. “I’m trying to help you!”

 

“Why so your parents will pay for your insurance?” He knew it was a low blow. He knew it would just make him mad. But he didn’t care. Jared looked hurt but he couldn’t stop. “Because we both know that’s the only reason you even talk to me. I’m tired of being used. Go find someone else to mess with.”

 

Jared stared for a moment. His eyes fell down to the couch between them. “I don’t-“ he cut himself off and stood. “You know what? You’re right. I have better things to do than to pity a loser like you.”

 

“Then go!” Evan shouted, his hands reaching up to pull at the hair near his temples as his face hid in his knees and tears escaped his eyes.

 

“Fuck you, Evan!” Jared left immediately, slamming the front door behind him as he left. 

 

Evan cried. He was tired of life. He just wanted it all to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, I wish this was over. I really do. Unfortunately, it's not.   
> This chapter was pretty much filler and only lightly touched on the topics of the last one, but it didn't feel right to do a time skip here, so I'm sorry it's short, but it's kinda necessary. In summary, this is pretty much tons of angst sprinkled with depression and served in a bowl of suicidal thoughts. Your welcome... (?)   
> Everyone's responses from the previous chapter were amazing. I'm glad to see you can feel the boy's pain. (That sounded less weird in my head). The comments are much appreciated and great motivators, so thank you so much.  
> My current plan for the next update is Wednesday as I have started the next chapter, however, I may finish it and decide to put a chapter between these. We'll see. So in short, before Friday, possibly Wednesday.


	12. Falling Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is hopeless...

Evan trudged into school on Monday feeling shittier than he had all weekend. He’d spent the entire weekend on their living room couch, even opting to skip church, with much disapproval from his mom, but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. He wouldn’t have been able to get through the service without crying and making a fool of himself in front of the entire congregation. The weekend had passed way too quickly. One moment it had been Friday evening, the next it was Monday morning. He couldn’t stay home from school forever — he knew that — but that didn’t stop him from asking his mom if she’d call in for him again. She’d said no, of course, telling him to go to school and if it was really too much then he could call her to pick him up, but Evan knew he wouldn’t. Calling her would mean making her leave work. He couldn’t do that. And so, Evan entered the school and made his way through sluggish teenagers to his locker with the undeniable reality that he would be forced to stay here for eight hours in mind.

 

Jared was at his locker, two down from Evan’s, when Evan approached. Jared glared at him before turning away, slamming his locker shut and heading toward class. Evan couldn’t say he expected any different. 

 

“Hey Evan!” 

 

Evan didn’t turn when he was called to. He hoped ignoring them would make them go away. Unfortunately, Zoe tapped on his shoulder as he opened his locker door, ruining any hopes and dreams his mind had conjured up. Any other day of the week, Evan would have loved the chance to speak with a pretty girl like Zoe Murphy, but today, when he glanced at Zoe, he saw Connor’s smile and the same curly brown hair and it made his stomach clench and his throat tighten. 

 

“Hi.” He said, pulling his books out of his locker and trying to shove them in his backpack around the unnecessary amount of homework papers and writing utensils. 

 

“So-um, I heard about you and Connor.” She said, though her tone of voice sounded suspiciously melancholy.

 

Evan blushed slightly, “And you’re okay with it?” 

 

“Well, of course. I mean, I kinda suspected it after last week- you didn’t have to lie to me, you know.” 

 

“Sorry, Connor didn’t really want to tell people.”

 

Zoe sighed, “That’s typical of him.” She said almost to herself. “Anyway, I’m just glad he has a friend.”

 

Oh, just a friend. So she didn’t know everything. It made him wonder just what everyone thought. Evan turned away, “We’re not.”

 

“Not what?”

 

“Friends. There was a fight, we’re not friends anymore.”

 

Zoe’s brow furrowed, “O-oh.”

 

“Hansen!” 

 

Evan flinched at the noise and turned to see Connor stomping up to him. He pushed him back into the lockers and grabbed Zoe by her wrist. “Stay the hell away from my sister.” He was livid, to say the least, and Evan cowered in his presence.

 

“I can take care of myself!” Zoe yelled back, pulling at her wrist. “Let go of me!”

 

Connor turned back to Zoe and released her. She looked to Evan briefly before turning to leave with sad eyes. Evan looked to the ground. 

 

When he worked up the courage to look up again, Connor was gone. He closed his locker and headed to class.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  


Evan opted to skip lunch that afternoon, instead heading into the library. There were only three people in there aside from the librarian and they were all studying. For what, Evan could only guess as it was still only a couple weeks into school, but he couldn’t judge the overachievers because they had better grades than him. 

 

Evan walked passed the study tables and the bookshelves to the private reading nooks along the back wall. They weren’t that private, considering they could still be seen from the front, but they were less noticeable than the tables. They were clearly meant for small study groups, though Evan knew many teenagers had found more explicit uses for them in the past.

 

He sat down at one of the booths and opened his backpack to pull out his history book. Maybe if he pretended he was studying no one would bug him. The words blurred together on the page and it took a moment for Evan to realize that it was because his eyes had watered. He scrubbed furiously at his eyes before turning back to his book. 

 

He was tired of crying. That was all he’d done all weekend. Well, that and sleep. How was supposed to ever convince anyone of his masculinity if all he ever did was cry over spilled milk. He could hear his dad in the back of his mind. 

 

_ “No man ever got anything from being a crybaby.”  _ He’d say. God he hated that man. 

 

His mom would comfort him and tell him it’s okay to cry as long as he knew when to stop. 

 

He knew he needed to stop. It was stupid to cry over losing a job. It was stupid to cry because someone yelled at you four days ago. Why wasn’t he over it yet?

 

_ Because it was more than a job. _ His brain supplied. 

 

That much was true. He had hoped he and Connor could be considered friends. He had hoped that for once in his life, he had someone who wasn’t being around him out of obligation, that someone cared without being told to. 

 

It didn’t matter anymore. There was no one in his life that wanted to be around him and Connor was a testament to that.

 

Evan stood when the bell rang and slung his backpack over his shoulder, carrying his book with him as he walked to yet another class in which he would sit in mindlessly for the next hour.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Out of every class he was required to attend on Monday, 5th period was the one he dreaded most of all. It was English Lit and he shared the class with not just Jared, but Connor too. Although Connor was known for being the empty seat in class, he had been putting in some effort to attend since the new year started. Today apparently wasn’t one of those days.

 

Evan kept his head down as he walked into the class, taking his seat three rows back and two from the window. He’d thought it was the perfect seat when he’d started the class. Not too far back to see the board, but not too close so he wouldn’t be overly noticeable by the teacher. 

 

Now, he hated the seat. Jared had claimed the seat beside him and was already sitting there. Evan quickly sat down and pulled his book from his backpack before laying his head in his arms across the table. He really did not want to deal with any of this right now. Fortunately, Jared mostly ignored his presence, sending glares every once in awhile, but not initiating any real conversation.

 

Mrs. Homer began the lesson and Evan dutifully scribbled in his notebook, keeping his head down. He wasn’t hearing half of what she was saying and his ‘notes’ only consisted of mini tornadoes and zigzags. He didn’t really care.

 

Evan startled when something was thrown at his back and he quickly turned to see a crumpled piece of torn paper on the floor by his chair. There was visible writing on the inside. He tentatively picked it up and opened it. 

 

_ Does he like it hard? _

 

Evan’s brows furrowed and he crumpled the page back up and shoved it in his backpack to keep anyone else from seeing it. When another paper was thrown, Evan ignored it. He didn’t want to know what it said. Another came. And another. The pile on the floor had gotten to four before Mrs. Homer turned and saw them. 

 

“Evan?” 

 

Evan’s head shot up to look at her, his stomach clenching as the class turned all eyes to him. “Y-yes?”   
  


“If you need a trash can, there are two by the exits.” She gestured sarcastically to the papers by his seat. A couple kids snickered as Evan glanced to them then back to her. 

 

“U-uh, they aren’t- um… I didn’t write them.”

 

Her brows furrowed and she walked back to collect them, opening one and scanning her eyes across the sheet. Her eyes widened and she immediately turned to the students sat behind Evan. 

 

“Who wrote these?” Her gentle tone had diminished, leaving behind a horrified urgency. Evan barely caught a glance at the lewd drawing before Mrs. Homer was folding the paper to hide its contents. 

 

Evan turned to look behind him as a couple students pointed to a brunet in the back of the class. Evan’s stomach dropped as he recognized him as one of the three who had bullied him the previous week. 

 

“Kyle, principal’s office. Now.” 

 

Kyle stood and she walked back to her desk to write a slip. Kyle knocked Evan’s head as he passed and Evan quickly shrunk in on himself. He didn’t know what he had done to make Kyle mad at him, but he wasn’t about to give him any other reason. 

 

Mrs. Homer stapled the papers Kyle had thrown at Evan to his slip before sending him out and continuing on with the lesson. Evan tried to ignore the feeling that this would come back to bite him in the back, instead attempting to pay attention to the lesson. He just hoped no one else had gotten a look at that drawing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I did end up writing a few chapters between the one I started on Sunday and the previous. I think the flow is a lot better this way anyway. Although, I'm really excited to post that chapter :D  
> I noticed the last chapter put the word count at exactly 20100 words and had a mini happy dance.  
> Evan and Connor. Evan and Jared. They just need to stop being relentless poopy heads. I don't think they will for a couple more chapters though.   
> Speaking of, the next chapter is about half written, so my current ETA is Friday? Maybe Saturday?  
> Thank you for all of your support! Have a wonderful hump day!


	13. When All It Brings is Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trouble, trouble, and... more trouble?

When the bell rang, signaling the end of classes, Evan hung back. He hated crowds. Once the majority of the class had filed out, he grabbed his bag and made his way out the door and to his locker. 

 

Mrs. Homer had made him stay after class 5th period to discuss the notes that had been thrown at him. There wasn’t much to discuss since he’d barely seen two and she wouldn’t describe the others. She told him to tell her if the bullying continues and sent him on his way. 

 

He didn’t think she actually cared. She was just saying that because it was her job. Besides, Evan would never go to someone about that. Everyone knew it only made it worse. 

 

That’s why, when Evan was surrounded by the other two in Kyle's group as he finished exchanging things from his locker, Evan didn’t yell for help. They took him out behind the school and one threw him against the brick wall. 

 

Evan grunted at the impact and slid down to his knees. 

 

“Kyle got suspended.” The taller, but lankier of the two said. “You shouldn’t have done that.” There was a laugh behind his voice as if he was barely keeping it together.

 

Evan didn’t look up. “I-I didn’t do anything.” 

 

“Hey, Tyler, what was it he said he got suspended for?” Lanky dude asked.

 

Tyler was heavier, but it looked to be mostly muscle, and Evan swallowed hard as he approached. Tyler grabbed Evan by the fabric on his shoulders and lifted him up to slam him into the wall again. The air was knocked out of his lungs and he tried to fold in on himself to ease the discomfort, but Tyler held him there.

 

“He said our whiny little slut tattled on him.” Tyler hissed before drawing back his fist and punching Evan across his cheekbone. The shock that settled in only lasted for a few moments before the pain flared across his face.

 

Evan trembled and collapsed to the floor when Tyler removed his grip. His entire cheek hurt, spreading out in webs of pain across his face and neck and ear. 

 

“Hey, Sam, look at this! He’s already crying!” Tyler shouted and Sam was to him, pulling him up by his bicep moments later. He hasn’t even realized he was crying.

 

Sam laughed in his face before throwing him back to the ground. “You’re a wimp, Hansen. A loser. You’re a piece of trash that’s just waiting to be thrown away.” 

 

_ I know. _

 

Evan sobbed once and turned to hide in on himself. Self preservation always came out at the worst moments. Why did he bother trying to protect himself from his bullies? Worst case scenario, they’d kill him, but that wasn’t sounding so bad anymore. 

 

Evan stopped curling up and instead laid flat across the disgusting cement. They laughed at him, but instead of continuing to beat him up, they left. 

 

Evan didn’t get up from that position until the janitor came through the backdoor to take out the trash at least an hour later and spotted him. 

 

“You okay, son?” He asked in his thick southern drawl. 

 

Evan nodded and stood. He grabbed his bag from where they’d thrown it and left the school. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Evan got home, his mom’s dusty old Corolla was parked in their driveway. He grimaced and made his way to the door. If he was lucky, he’d be able to get up to his room without running into her.

 

When he walked inside, he could hear his mom in the kitchen, on the phone with a coworker. He closed the door quietly behind him and quickly sped passed the kitchen door.

 

“Evan, is that you?”

 

Evan stopped, but didn’t turn around. “Yeah, mom. Homework.” He said quickly before heading the rest of the way up to his room. Heidi thankfully didn’t follow him.

 

The first thing he did after closing his door, was look in his mirror. He didn’t look too bad. He could probably say he tripped on the stairs. His mom would believe that. He was a clumsy kid. Heck! He’d fallen out of a—… better to stop that thought process before it started.

 

His cheek was slightly swollen and there was minor bruising, but it wasn’t that bad. He almost wondered if Tyler had pulled his punch. Either that, or he wasn’t as strong as he looked. 

 

“Evan, what do you want to get for-” Heidi gasped when she opened the door and saw Evan’s face. 

 

“I tripped!” Evan shouted before mentally berating himself for making it sound so much like I lie. 

 

“Evan, I know what a right hook looks like, I’m a nurse.” She said, walking to him and gently brushing her fingers across his cheek. 

 

He winced, “I’m okay, mom, really-”

 

“Who did this?”

 

“No one-!“

 

“Evan-“

 

“It doesn’t matter-!”

 

“Evan!” Heidi yelled and Evan’s jaw snapped shut with an audible clack that made his jaw hurt and he winced. “I am not going to be able to sleep tonight not knowing who did this to you.”

 

Evan sighed and looked down to his feet. She was guilt tripping him, he knew. Her hand cupped his non injured cheek to lift his eyes back to hers. 

 

“It-” Evan sighed, “it really was nothing.” He looked down to his cast. “I tripped on some stairs, that’s all.”

 

Heidi said nothing and he looked up to see the disappointment in her eyes. She knew he was lying. 

 

“Okay…” she whispered, stepping back and heading for the door. She wasn’t going to push for answers. “What do you want for dinner?”

 

Evan felt like he had swallowed poison. His stomach clenched and his chest tightened. “I-I’m not that hungry.”

 

“Fine.” 

 

Heidi left. Evan wished he felt relieved, but instead he only felt awful about lying to her. But what would she have done? Gone to the principal? Made everything worse? He could deal with a few bullies by himself. 

 

Evan didn’t sleep well that night. He stayed awake in bed well into morning hours, unable to turn his mind off. They'd called him a slut. They knew about Connor. But Zoe hadn't indicated that she knew that much. By morning, he’d deduced everything down to one question. 

 

What did Jared say during his fight with Connor?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next morning, Evan found Jared before school. He was sitting on the front lawn talking to a couple kids from the drama group. Evan clenched his fists and willed his uneasy stomach to calm as he approached the group.

 

“Jared!” Evan called as he walked closer. Jared turned to him and his smile faded into a glare. His eyes flickered to his cheek before settling back on his eyes. 

 

“What happened?” He didn’t sound like he actually cared, but his eyes had softened some.

 

“I-uh, we need to talk.” He said, diverting the topic. He wasn’t about to tell him he had been punched in front of a group of strangers. 

 

“We are talking.” He smirked and Evan sighed.

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

Jared sighed dramatically and nodded. He stood then motioned for Evan to follow as he walked out toward the parking lot. Jared took him to his car and they both got in before Evan began. 

 

“I-I-um… I need you to tell me what happened last Thursday.” Evan said as Jared turned the car on enough for the air to flow.

 

“Why?” His voice sounded hollow as he turned to stare out the front window with a blank face. 

 

“Just because.”

 

Jared turned to look at him. “Is this about that?” He gestured to Evan’s face. 

 

Evan nodded, “K-kind of.”

 

Jared sighed and reached up to pinch at his brow. “When I got back from dropping you off, it was between periods and Connor was loitering on the front lawn. He was the reason that you were getting picked on, so when I saw him, I was already mad and I just kind blew up. A crowd gathered and next thing I knew, I was on top of him, being pulled off by a teacher.”

 

“But what did you say?” That was the important part. 

 

“I don’t know… probably something about if he was gonna hang out with you, he needed to take responsibility when you got hurt.”

 

“It wasn’t his fault-“

 

“Yeah right, it wasn’t.” Jared turned to look at him. 

 

“No. It wasn’t. He paid me to do whatever he wanted. It-I mean, th-this wasn’t a friendship.” Evan said, no matter how much it hurt, because it was true. “It was just a job. Any backlash received was on me.”

 

“Backlash received.” Jared mimicked. He scoffed and turned away. “Like that bruise?”

 

Evan’s eyes softened and his hand reached up to touch it gently. “Yeah.” It was almost a whisper. “Did-um, when you were talking with him, did you say anything about us-er, h-having sex?” Evan asked after a moment of silence had passed. 

 

Jared scoffed, “No, but there’s a shit ton of rumors going around now.”

 

Evan nodded, “I figured that much. As long as nothing has been confirmed, it will probably stay that way. Besides,” Even took a breath, trying to steady his voice. It wasn’t working. “rumors die if there isn’t anything feeding them.”

 

“He’s really not talking to you?”

 

Evan shook his head. “...Well, he told me to stay away from Zoe.”

 

Jared scoffed, “I swear, that guy is bipolar or something.”

 

“He’s not. I would get mad at this too-” Jared gave him a look. “Or- I’d silently fume.”

 

Jared chuckled at that. “How are you gonna get him back?”

 

“I’m probably not.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“What am I supposed to do? He basically fired me.”

 

Jared smirked wearily, “You and I both know whatever it was going on between you two, it wasn’t just a job.”

 

Evan sighed, “It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s never gonna talk to me again and God knows I won’t go talk to him.”

 

Jared smirked at him and opened his mouth to say something just as the warning bell rang. 

 

“We’re gonna be late.” He said instead. 

 

As they walked inside, Evan looked over to Jared. “I’m sorry about what I said.”

 

“Yeah, me too.”

 

“Are we okay?”

 

Jared scoffed and threw an arm over his shoulder, “Yeah, we’re good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, at least they're good now, right? Haha, who am I kidding. They really didn't solve anything, did they? Boys are idiots some times. Most especially Evan. He doesn't seem to know when to stop forgiving people and Jared really doesn't know how to fess up to his mistakes... But, fine, they're good for now, so at least there's some break, right.
> 
> The chapter I wrote Sunday is the one after the next one, and I am so excited to finally get to that. My next post date will be sometime around memorial day. I'm hoping Monday, but I'm working 9-9 that day because they pay extra on holidays, no one else wanted the hours, and I'm broke and need the money. So maybe I'll post it Sunday, maybe I'll wait til Tuesday morning. It'll be sometime around then.
> 
> Thank you for all of the feedback!
> 
> I was reading through the comments like, yesterday or something and the person who said, "Every dollar spent on ass is a dollar not on grass" was a genius. I literally laughed out loud. Seriously, I might steal that from you at some point, btw.


	14. Refilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mom talks gone bad pt. 2

_Evan opened his eyes. He was in a field surrounded by apple trees and tall grass. Connor was laying in the grass below him, his lips moved as if he was speaking, but Evan couldn’t hear what he was saying. There was a pressure around him as if he was underwater. Connor smirked at him. Evan smiled back and when he blinked, he was surprised to find himself climbing one of the apple trees._

 

_He held fast to the branches as he climbed, Connor right beneath him and nearly passing him. Evan reached for a branch and his mind screamed not to put weight on it, but his body didn’t listen. The branch splintered under his grasp with a snap that made his ears ring and before he could grab for anything else, he was falling._

 

_Evan blinked again and noticed he wasn’t falling anymore. He looked up to see Connor holding him up by his wrist._

 

_“How stupid do you think I am?!” Connor yelled and Evan’s eyes widened at his sudden change of demeanor. The scene around him darkened and the tree grew taller. Too tall. “I’m done!”_

 

_Connor released his wrist and Evan fell._

 

Evan awoke with a gasp. He curled up into himself and pulled the covers up over his head. His arm hurt and he cradled it to his chest. If only he could stop panting, if his heart rate would slow down, if the images would leave his mind.

 

_It’s Thursday._ His mind supplied. _One week has passed._

 

He didn’t know how he’d lasted this long. Tyler and Sam had continued to torment him, once even going so far as to shove him into the janitors closet and hold the door closed until Jared had found him twenty minutes later, hugging a mop as he hyperventilated in the dark. Connor had also been absent from most of the school week.

 

_I’ve been diagnosed with depression, mainly, but there’s a whole fucking list of stuff they wanna put on me._

 

Evan sighed. He was worried about Connor.

 

_At least I don’t feel like killing myself every other day._

 

What if he hadn’t been doing as good as he had said. What if things had changed. Did he even have the right to ask these questions anymore?

 

Evan came out from under the covers and leaned over his bed to get Connor’s hoodie off of the floor. He pulled it to his bare chest and covered himself with the blanket once more. It didn’t smell much like Connor anymore, but knowing it was his still brought Evan a little comfort.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Evan clutched his brown bag lunch as he scanned the cafeteria. He spotted Jared at the same time that Jared saw him. He waved him over to his table and Evan hurriedly dodged through schoolmates to get to him.

 

“H-how was class?” Evan asked as he sat, opening up the bag to pull out his sandwich and chips.

 

“Fantastic. Drew put a tac on the teacher’s chair, but he couldn’t prove who had done it. It was hilarious.”

 

“O-oh. That’s cool, I guess.” Evan mumbled.

 

“I know right!” Jared popped a chicken nugget in his mouth. “I’m just waiting to see who can get the stupidest prank in before break.”

 

Evan scrunched his nose and took a bite of his sandwich.

 

“How are you and Mr. Emo?” Jared asked, taking Evan’s bag of chips. He opened it with a pop and took a few before laying it back in Evan’s reach.

 

“I don’t think anything is gonna change.”

 

Jared’s brow furrowed and he turned to look behind Evan. Evan turned to look too. For the first time in several days, Connor was there. Connor was several tables behind them, by himself, head down on the table with earbuds in. Evan had always thought it odd that despite there usually being a lack of seats in the cafeteria, no one ever sat at the same table as Connor.

 

“I bet he’s high.” Jared said when Evan turned back around.

 

“He’s not high.” Evan drawled.

 

“Seriously? Do you not remember the past three years? Whenever he’s high, he puts his head in his arms and listens to music. I think it’s to deter the teachers from talking to him or something. He’s done it in class all day too.”  


Evan’s brow furrowed. Connor hadn’t been high -- as far as he knew -- since the beginning of school. Was everything alright at home? Had his meds stopped working?

 

“Earth to Evan.” Jared snapped in his face a few times and Evan swatted his hand away. Evan turned to finish his sandwich.

 

“You could talk to him, you know.”

 

“No I couldn’t.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“All he’d do is yell at me.”

 

Jared sighed and stood. “Well, when you stop acting like a love sick preteen girl, let me know.”

 

Evan watched Jared leave. The bell rang and Evan couldn’t help but notice that Connor didn’t leave the cafeteria along with everyone else.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After therapy that evening, Heidi was there to pick him up. He had expected to have to take the bus or even walk. So to say he was surprised, was an understatement.

 

“Mom.” He said as he walked to her, drawing her out of the paper she’d been glancing through. “What are you doing here?”

 

She stood and smiled at him. “I’m here to pick you up, obviously.”  She gestured to the door and they both started the walk to the car.

 

Evan’s brow furrowed as he followed, “Didn’t you have work?”

 

She unlocked the car. “I took off for the night. I thought we could go get something to eat.”

 

“You didn’t- I can’t. I have homework.” Evan said as they got in.

 

“You could do it after.” She started the car.

 

“There won’t be enough time. It’s due tomorrow.”

 

Heidi’s smile had faded some as she began the trip home. “Well, how about I order us some pizza?”

 

“I’ve had pizza three times this week.”

 

“Chinese?”

 

“Mom. You don’t have to do this.”

 

“Do what?” She knew, Evan knew that she knew, she just wasn’t going to admit to it. She wouldn’t admit that this was her awful attempt to make up missing Tacos or that she hadn’t been home or maybe even an attempt to get information out of Evan. She was acting like she hadn’t tried to pull this trick hundreds of times before.

 

“This.” Evan gestured in front of himself.

 

“You’re gonna have to be more specific than that or I won’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“You do to.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Just this!” he hadn’t meant to raise his voice. The silence that preceded was too quiet.

 

“...Evan, I’m sorry.” She said quietly. “I need you to talk to me. What’s wrong?”

 

Evan’s hands shook and he clenched them against his pant legs. “...never mind.”

 

“No, tell me.”

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

“Why don’t you tell me things anymore?” Heidi asked, sounding desperate and defeated.

 

Evan didn’t have an answer.

 

It was quiet until they pulled up to the house. They climbed out and went inside and Evan went straight up to his room to work on his paper. The gnawing in his gut told him he should apologize, but he remained stubborn and never left the room. Around seven, his mom brought him a Chinese to go container of lo mien. She sat it on his nightstand when he didn't acknowlege her presence and turned to leave, but stopped at the door. 

 

"Evan," He looked up to her right as she turned to him. "I'm sorry."

 

Evan sighed and rubbed his eyes, "No, you-I... I'm sorry too."

 

Heidi smiled sadly at him and came back over to sit next to him on the bed. She wrapped her arms around him and he leaned into her touch.

 

"I feel like I'm loosing my little boy adn I don't know how to get him back." She said. Evan didn't know how to reply so he stayed quiet, instead wrapping his arm around her waist awkwardly. "You know I love you, right?"

 

Evan nodded. "I love you too."

 

"Good." She chuckled weakly, "We'll have to plan a time when both of us are able to hang out and catch up some."

 

Evan smiled, "I'd like that."

 

"Okay," She sat up and pat his shoulder twice before standing. "Well, I'll let you finish your project. Make sure you get to bed at a decent time. You good on refills?" She asked, looking into his box despite her question.

 

"Yeah, I'm good."

 

"Okay, well. I love you."

 

"Love you too."

 

"Sleep well."

 

"You too."

 

Heidi left and Evan turned back to his report. In the week he’d been without Connor, he missed him the most that night.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Friday went in a blur. School was fine, if he discluded Tyler and Sam shoving him into his locker, or the wall, or the door, or other students, or whatever it was that happened to be beside him every time they passed. His mom had left a couple hours after he’d gotten home. She had class and then was working the night shift, so she wouldn’t be home until morning. Evan sometimes wondered when she slept.

 

In every scenario that had played out in his mind of how he would spend his Friday evening, not one of them had entailed to being interrupted from his homework by the door bell. Evan stayed silent for several moments before it rung again. He sighed and stood from his spot at the coffee table, tugging Connor’s hoodie tighter around his torso as he headed for the front door, praying his anxiety would leave him alone and stop making his hands shake. It was probably just Jared... or the mailman needing a signature... or maybe cops were there to tell him his mom had gotten in a crash.

 

He made a mental note to stop being so pessimistic.

 

Evan opened the door and felt his heart drop to his stomach. His unexpected visitor was the one person he wanted to face the least at that moment.

 

“Hey.” Connor said and Evan slammed the door shut in his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy memorial day!  
> I ended up getting off work earlier than expected, so here is this. I am soooooooo excited for the next chapter. That one by far is going to be my favorite, I can already tell. I apologize for the cut off there, but I really wanted to lead into the events rather than just skipping to it. Fortunately for you, my post date will be Friday. The chapter is already written and ready to go and right now, I'm only stalling to give myself enough time to continue this streak of having chapters ready before their post date.  
> I also wanted to thank each and every one of you for your continued support over this story. I just passed 100 comments and I have never gotten that in my entire six years of writing fanfiction, so I appreciate it immensely.   
> Have a great day, and I'll see you again Friday!


	15. Come Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's about time...

Evan hyperventilated behind his closed door for nearly ten minutes before he calmed down enough to reopen it. His hands still trembled and his heart fluttered erratically as he swung it to the side. He was almost surprised to see Connor still there. He hadn’t seen him up close since Monday and to say he looked bad would be an understatement. The bags under his eyes and his disheveled hair was testament to a rough week. 

 

“S-sorry.” Evan whispered, looking down to his feet. 

 

Connor stood awkwardly in front of him. “I-” He cut himself off and went silent. The silence was unbearable.

 

“W-what are you doing here?” Evan asked.

 

“Are you going to let me in?” Connor asked and Evan stepped aside. 

 

He walked in and stepped into the living room before turning back to face Evan. Evan couldn’t help keeping his distance, afraid of upsetting him or setting him off. His heart was still hammering in his chest from the unannounced visit. 

 

Connor huffed as he stood there and Evan caught the majority of his flinch at the sound. He was too jumpy today. 

 

“Look, I’m-” He cut himself off with a sigh before running his hands through his hair and jerking the bag off off of his shoulder to toss to the ground.

 

Evan took a step back and stared at him. Was he getting mad again? 

 

“I don’t-...I mean-... If I-...Agh! I don’t know how to do this!” Connor shouted desperately, taking a step toward Evan. Evan stepped back and Connor matched him until Evan’s back hit the wall behind him. Connor slammed a hand to the wall by Evan’s head and before Evan could properly respond to this, Connor’s lips were on his. 

 

His bottom lip trembled as he stayed still as possible, not sure what was going on and if he was supposed to participate or not. 

 

Connor pulled back a few inches and his head tilted down to stare at their feet. “Tell me to stop.” He whispered. 

 

Evan stared at him. Did he want him to stop? He was mad, sure, but he was weak. He’d wanted this all week. “No.” he whispered back just as gently. Connor’s lips were back on his before he had time to think. It was a viscous kiss, one that he was sure would cause his lips to bruise as Connor bit and sucked at the skin. He was given no control over the kiss this time, and willingly played receiver to Connor’s ministrations. Future him would probably regret it when he’d have to find a way to hide the evidence of their make out sesh, but current him loved the feeling.

 

Connor’s hands roamed his sides before roughly pulling Evan’s shirt up along with the hoodie and reattaching their lips. Evan’s heart beat too fast to comprehend the voice in the back of his head that yelled to stop. This isn’t a good idea. You’re both mad at each other. Though, then again, they had always communicated best this way. 

 

Every inch of skin that Connor touched tingled. When had he become so touch starved? It must’ve been Connor’s fault. Getting him so used to something he couldn’t have for forever.

 

“Say my name.” Connor demanded, his hands pulling Evan away from his mouth by the hair at the base of his neck. 

 

“Connor.” He whispered. 

 

“Evan.” He whispered back, just as softly. It sent a shiver down his spine.

 

Connor stared at his mouth as he spoke, the sultry intensity making Evan’s knees weaken before his lips crashed back onto Evan’s. His hands roamed across Evan’s sides, cupping his ass or gripping at his waist in a way that was predatory and possessive. Evan held tight to Connor’s bicep, panting against their sloppy kiss and hoping Connor’s hands would never leave his body. 

 

With one thrust, Connor pulled Evan around and pushed him onto the couch. He squeaked as he landed, but Connor was climbing on him too fast for him to worry about being embarrassed by the sound. Connor’s lips attached to his neck and began kissing and sucking the skin there before trailing down to his collar bones. He obviously didn’t care about leaving marks as he sucked love bites into Evan’s flesh with a burning lust. Evan ran his hand through Connor’s hair, pulling lightly and feeling him shudder beneath his touch. He did that. That reaction was caused by him and only him.

 

Connor drew back just slightly and stared into Evan’s eyes, his voice was shaking as he spoke. “What do you want?” 

 

Evan stared back. He knew what he wanted. The question was, was his body capable of taking it. It’d only been two weeks since he’d torn. He could still be in the healing process, but he didn’t care. He wanted this so badly, even if it meant having to stop before they’d really begun, he at least wanted to try. 

 

“I want you in me.” He whispered breathily, his chest rising and falling in heaving succession. 

 

Connor’s hands slid across his stomach and to his hips, his fingers curling under the lip of his jeans, but his eyes never left Evan’s. “You’ll tell me to stop if it hurts?” 

 

Evan nodded quickly and sat up to kiss Connor again. When he laid back, Connor followed him and licked across his bottom lip. Evan opened his mouth. Their tongues met before shying away as Connor unbuttoned and slid Evan’s pants off his legs. 

 

Evan reached for Connor’s shirt and tugged it up as far as he could by himself. Connor took over and pulled back to take it off and throw it across the living room, having little opinion on where it landed as his lips crashed back on Evan’s.

 

Connor’s hands ran along Evan’s thighs as they kissed until he pulled back and hopped off the couch to go to his bag. He quickly grabbed a condom and lube before jumping back onto the sofa. 

 

“You were planning this, weren’t you?” Evan said, unsure as to whether he should be upset or turned on.

 

Connor reached in to kiss him again, “Of course.”

 

With quick work, Connor relieved himself of his pants and lifted Evan’s legs to prep him. He slicked his fingers with lube then rested one at the pucker of Evan’s entrance. 

 

He looked to Evan again and Evan nodded. 

 

Connor’s finger slid in swiftly. It was uncomfortable but manageable. It stayed still for a few moments before sliding in and out slowly and bending to loosen the surrounding muscles. 

 

Evan closed his eyes as Connor slid in a second finger, waiting for pain to spike like last time, but nothing came, only the original pull of being stretched. Connor glanced up to him again as he began twisting his fingers and scissoring them in his anal cavity. Evan let out a shuddering breath as Connor placed his third finger to his entrance. 

 

“Evan?”

 

Evan looked to him, “Go.”

 

The third finger slid in with the others and Evan’s face scrunched as he tried to get used to the feeling of being filled again. It was a stretch of the muscle, like when you try to touch your toes and your hamstrings hurt because you haven’t had to do that since kindergarten, but the sting of broken skin being aggravated didn’t come. 

 

Connor took Evan’s furrowed brow as something else and stopped moving. 

 

“Sorry,” Evan’s hips twitched, “stretching, not stinging.”

 

Connor nodded and continued. Evan could have cried out in joy that he hadn’t had to stop. He was hard and it was beginning to hurt from the strain of stimulation without it being on his erection. 

 

When Connor deemed him prepped, he pulled his fingers out. Evan laid his arm across his stomach near his groin. He wanted to touch himself so badly, but he wanted Connor to help him reach orgasm. His hands shook with the effort of staying away. 

 

Connor repositioned himself clad in condom and lube, pulled Evan’s legs up toward his chest, then reached down to grab Evan’s shaking hand. 

 

“You ready?” He whispered and pulled the hand up to kiss his knuckles gently.  Rough to gentle in only a few minutes. Connor confused Evan so much.

 

Evan nodded eagerly and his casted hand gripped the cushion beside his hips. Connor entered slowly and Evan couldn’t suppress the quiet whimper that escaped his lips at the feeling. Connor’s erection stretched him farther than his fingers had, which in retrospect, was nearly painful, but the feeling of being filled was enough to make Evan cry. He wanted this so bad. 

 

Connor pushed in slowly, stopping half way and turning his attention to Evan’s testicles. He played gently with Evan’s balls, never once touching his member. Evan moaned and turned his face to hide in the pillow. This was torture. 

 

Connor pushed in until he bottomed out. Evan heaved in breaths at the stimulation, his knees trembling in exertion as he waited for the discomfort to pass so he could move. 

 

Evan gasped as Connor’s hand finally touched the burning flesh of his member. His hands were cold in comparison as they slowly moved up to the tip. Evan bucked his hips to try and get friction, but Connor’s other hand held him down by his hip.

 

Evan writhed his head against the pillow, his eyes closing as tears pricked. It wasn’t enough. He was going mad.

 

“C-Connor-”

 

“Shhh” Connor interrupted him as his hand slid back down. It was painfully slow and Evan moaned his discomfort and gripped at the cushions and his quilt and just about anything he could. He gasped when Connor drew himself out of him before plummeting back in quickly. That felt amazing! He wanted more. 

 

“Connor-”

 

“Evan,” Evan opened his eyes to look at Connor. His eyes were soft, but serious, “trust me.”

 

Evan hesitated, but nodded and Connor rewarded him with a swipe at his balls and another buck of his hips, pulling his erection nearly all the way out before ramming in quickly and stopping. Evan moaned and his eyes flickered to the back of his head. The muscles in his stomach twitched and his entire being trembled. This was bittersweet agony. 

 

Connor continued, slowly inching along, each time he’d thrust, Evan would feel the pleasure coil in his stomach. It was as if the slow movements and periodical, hard thrusts were making the desire in him poor out full blast for the few moments before curling back in and waiting. Each experience was made better and better as time passed and precum leaked from the tip of his penis only to be spread slowly across the rest of it. 

 

Connor began thrusting into him with less time between, raising his speed with each thrust and Evan down right screamed when Connor hit his prostate head on. It was under stimulation countered by over stimulation. Pure pleasure. Connor’s hand left Evan’s member and ran along his side as he bent forward to kiss him. 

 

Evan panted and moaned into his lips, his stomach coiling and his head blurred in the lust filled haze of their makeup sex.

 

“C-Connor-” He broke off with a gasp when Connor hit his prostate once more.

 

“Evan.” He whispered. 

 

“I’m gonna-”

 

Evan’s entire body trembled as he orgasmed, shooting milky cum across his stomach. It was the best orgasm he’d ever had. He shuddered and collapsed back to the couch. Connor thrust into him twice more before cumming and dropping down mostly on top of Evan. 

 

He took the opportunity and wrapped his arms tight around Connor’s torso, burrowing his head in his shoulder and bringing their bodies as close together as possible. Part of him whispered that he was smearing his cum all over Connor’s stomach, but he could care. Connor was still inside of him, but Evan didn’t want him to move.

 

“Connor…” Evan felt his eyes water and his sniffled, trying to force the tears back. He’d been crying way too much recently. “...I’m so-rry.” His voice broke and he swallowed hard.

 

Connor didn’t say anything. He panted heavily into Evan’s hair and trembled in unison with him. Evan heard when he swallowed and felt his Adam’s apple bob in reaction. 

 

“I-I didn’t tell Jared. I swear. I never-...He saw us together and figured it out on his own-.” Evan broke off with a watery hiccup and a sob.

 

Connor let out a puff of air. “I know… Jared told me.”

 

If Evan weren’t so afraid Connor would leave him the second he let go, Evan might’ve pushed him back to see his face, but as he was, he really only wanted to stay there and smell Connor’s shampoo.

 

He nodded instead and his eyes watered and spilled, but it was okay, because he wasn’t sad this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, I really like this chapter.  
> There you guys go! I hope you enjoyed it. I have one more chapter that will serve as the finale for the redemption ark and then I'll move on into the next.   
> I appreciate all of the support everyone has showed for this story and I wanted to give a big thank you to those who have commented and sent kudos. It means the world!  
> I'll have the next chapter up either Monday or Tuesday.  
> Have a good weekend!


	16. The Solution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally talk it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm not dead?!?!

Evan stared into his mug of green tea as he sat quietly at the kitchen table. Connor was scrolling through his phone on the opposite side, glancing up every once in a while but not initiating any conversation. That was fine with Evan. He really just wanted to sit in his presence for a little bit. 

 

After their steamy sex, Connor and Evan had laid on the couch unmoving for nearly an hour, only adjusting once - about ten minutes in - when Evan began to get sore from having Connor in him still. After their cuddling session, Evan had gotten in a shower and Connor had followed him. Unlike what Evan had expected, they didn’t have sex again, however, there had been a lot of touching and kissing envolved. It was nearly ten o’ clock by the time they’d finished and had gone downstairs to make some tea.

Evan smiled absently as he ran a finger across the rim of his mug. He was happy. For the first time in what seemed like forever, he was just inexplicably happy.

 

“What is it?” Connor asked and Evan’s eyes jumped up to him.

 

“Hmm?” He asked, not entirely sure what Connor was asking.

 

Connor smiled that half smirk that drew out the lines on his cheeks and accentuated his cheekbones. Evan smiled back. “You’re smiling.” he said and Evan laughed.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Connor’s eyebrow rose, and he chuckled, “Why are you smiling?”

 

“Oh.” Evan sucked in his cheeks to try to stop, but it didn’t help much, “I don’t know. I’m just happy, I guess.”

 

Connor smiled back. A few moments passed before Connor’s smile dropped slightly and he set his phone on the table and took a drink of his tea. He winced, indicating that he burnt his tongue. “We still need to talk.”

 

Evan’s smile dropped as well. He knew this moment would come eventually, he had just hoped maybe they could put it off a little while longer. He nodded, leaving it up to Connor to start the conversation.

 

“Before I find out elsewhere, who else knows about this?” Connor asked, his jaw clenching and Evan dropped his eyes back to his cup.

 

“No one. Only- It was just Jared.” Evan said. After a moment, he countered a question. “What did he say to make you believe him?” 

 

Connor sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “He said, and I quote, ‘Evan wouldn’t have the balls to tell me, I only found out because you suck at hiding your side ass’”

 

Evan scoffed, “Yeah, that sounds like something he would say.”

 

Connor laughed at his reaction shortly before asking his next question. “What exactly happened on Thursday?”

 

Evan furrowed his brow and looked back up to Connor. “It was just- I mean, It’s not a big deal. It wasn’t your fault, I swear.” 

 

“What happened?” Connor asked again, his voice more stern than before. Evan felt like a child trying to get out of trouble.

 

“I just- Some bullies-um, they were picking on me and stuck my head in a toilet.” Evan looked back to his lap. 

 

Connor was silent for several moments and when Evan looked up, he could tell he was fuming. Evan imagined the only reason he hadn’t said anything yet was to keep himself from yelling.

 

“It’s okay, really. It wasn’t your fault… Besides, they’ll get bored soon enough and move on to someone else.” 

 

Connor looked up to him. “I want to come out publicly as friends.” He said suddenly.

 

Evan stared for a moment. What? “But, won’t-”

 

“Hear me out.” Connor said, sitting forward in his seat. “My parents already know about you because Zoe heard rumors at school and brought them up to them. Whether I like it or not, I don’t think I can make this disappear and they’re going to want to meet you eventually. So we’ll have to pretend to be friends at least then, unless...You’d rather not continue with-”

 

Evan interrupted him. “No. No, I do.” 

 

Connor smiled slightly and nodded, “On the other hand, you’re getting bullied. If we hung out during school hours, you’d be less likely to be approached since people already don’t like me. It’d be kind of like a body guard and honestly, it’s the least I can do.”

 

“It’s not-”

 

“I know. I know. It’s not my fault.” Connor mimicked and sighed. “What do you think.”

 

Evan nodded, “I mean, my mom already thinks we’re friends, what’s the point in pretending like we’re not elsewhere?”

 

“My point exactly.” Connor said, then, as if remembering something suddenly, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small stack of folded bills. He handed them to Evan. “And of course, I’d pay you for your time. Honestly, I wish I had thought of something like this sooner. My parents are kinda freaked that I have a friend.”

 

“Why are they..?” Evan trailed off as he brought the stack of cash down to his lap to fiddle with,  not entirely sure that Connor would want to share.

 

Connor gave a scoff that landed somewhere between pitiful and amused. “I haven’t had a friend over since the third grade. People don’t really like to hang out with stoners, I guess.”

 

“Well,” Evan paused, unsure if he’d freak Connor out with his next words or not, but continued anyway, “I like spending time with you. You’re a good person.”

 

Now when Connor scoffed, it was entirely sarcastic. “Sure, Hansen, whatever lets you sleep at night.”

 

Evan sighed but didn’t continue, instead looking down to his lap to run his thumb across the edges of the bills. 

 

“Evan,” Connor said softly and Evan looked up to him. “... look, I kinda suck at apologies-” he ran a hand through his hair.

 

“You don’t have to apologize.” Evan quickly said. He understood why Connor was mad. He didn’t need to say sorry.

 

“Evan, shut up.” He sounded sarcastic, but continued with his previous apology. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I didn’t even talk to you. I was rude and hurtful and I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, I already forgave you.” 

 

Connor looked up to him and Evan could have sworn his eyes were watery, but he blinked a couple times and it was gone. Evan reached across the table and grabbed Connor’s hand, pulling it to his forehead. 

 

He let out a shuddering breath, “I was so worried about you.”

 

Connor let out a scoff that was halfway to a laugh. “You were worried about me?”

 

Evan pulled back and looked to him, “Of course. You can’t just tell a guy you’ve got depression then break it off and go to school high without him worrying.”

 

Connor’s smirk dropped and he pulled his hand away, setting it in his lap as he sat back. Evan tried not to feel hurt. 

 

“I didn’t-“

 

“No, your right. I wasn’t doing too good. I honestly don’t know that I ever am though.”

 

“But you said you were happy?” Evan asked. 

 

Connor looked up to him and gave him a flat lined smile. “Being happy and having a break from suicidal thoughts are very different things.”

 

Evan’s brows furrowed slightly. He knew that. He’d assumed with the way Connor had been acting, he had been getting better.

 

“I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m tricking myself. Like, I’m good for a moment and I think ‘shit, maybe I’m getting better or something,’ but then that moment passes and I’m back to the way I was before.”

 

Evan nodded and looked down to his lap. He knew what that was like. The words processed in Evan’s mind and he looked up again. 

 

“Would you tell me?” He asked, then felt the need to clarify, “If you got to far?”

 

“I’m not gonna kill myself-“

 

“But would tell me — or-or anybody — If you thought you might?”

 

Connor stared at him for a moment. “Would you?”

 

Evan’s arm ached and he looked back to his lap, trying his hardest not to grab for his cast. He hadn’t before. Would it make a difference now? He took a breath but didn’t look up to Connor again, “I would now.”

 

Connor seemed to understand the meaning behind his words but didn’t press for details. He nodded, “Then I guess, we’ll be each other’s suicide buddies, huh?”

 

Evan smiled at Connor. “Okay”

 

The two steadily switched the conversation back over to mundane topics before eventually deciding to go to bed. Connor stayed the night and the two slept in Evan’s room on his twin sized bed together. It was small, but Evan loved it if only because it gave him plenty of reason to be close to Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, I guess I kinda owe some people an explanation. Why did I hop off the face of the planet for two months? Honestly, I have clinical depression and had a lot more on my mind than updating a fan fiction for the last little while. Sorry about that... I even had the chapter written and just kept putting off posting it. I'm horrible, I know.   
> *Sweaty face emoji*  
> On the bright side, I'm seeing a therapist now, so hopefully this won't be the only chapter for another two months. Though if any of you are religious, some prayers would be pretty nice about now. Thanks....  
> I don't plan on giving an update date cause I don't have one. It will really depend on how this week goes. You know the trip to NY I mentioned 10 chapters ago?? Yeah, that's next week... I'm stressed. Wish me luck!


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